Last week, I shared on Facebook about a super scary moment that Dan and I experienced while kayaking. Here’s a bit of what I wrote:

“We knew that it was supposed to be super windy, so we got an earlier start since the winds kick up here as the day goes on. I figured that being on a lake that was surrounded by tall trees would be an ideal spot – protected from the wind. However, we started out and immediately noticed that the water was pretty choppy – even going with the current. We steered our way into a calmer inlet and spent some time paddling around there for awhile. It was absolutely beautiful, serene, and idyllic. I even had a dragonfly land on my foot, which I loved and saw as a good sign. As wonderful as this time was, though, we were both dreading having to get back to the dock – since we would be paddling against the current and the wind – but thought that it wouldn’t be too big of a deal. We were so, so wrong. It turned into an absolute nightmare.

By then, the wind had picked up considerably and the water was filled with whitecaps. We paddled with all of our might as our boat crashed into each oncoming wave. If we stopped paddling for even a second, we immediately lost all of our progress. We were getting soaked from the spray misting over the top of the boat, and we were getting exhausted from all of the physical effort. The wind was getting stronger, and we weren’t even close to our dock.

I started to feel afraid because I wasn’t sure how we were going to get back. I prayed to our angels to help us – to give us the strength that we needed to get back to land. We saw a private dock in the distance and decided to head to that – hoping that we would be able to get there. Thankfully, we finally managed to, but just getting the boat secured to it so we could get out took forever since the waves were so big and the current was so strong. Finally…we secured ourselves to it, gratefully climbed onto the wood, and pulled the boat onto it as well. It was hard even walking along the dock because it was moving so much with the waves, but we made it to shore. Whew!”

***

After this experience, I told Dan that it may be a little while before I was able to get back on the kayak again. What once felt like a tranquil and relaxing activity for me now seemed tainted with danger and anxiety. But yesterday (just one week later), I woke up and my inner voice whispered that it was time to give it another try – to get back on the kayak and not live in fear of it.

For most of my life, when something scared me, I steered clear of it for good. I wasn’t one who tended to face my fears head on, but I wanted this time to be different. This kayak was a wedding anniversary present to each other, and it meant the world to us both to feel complete freedom and serenity when we were on the water together. I didn’t want to lose that because of one bad experience. I didn’t want to let fear win.

So, we loaded up our car and headed back to the same lake as before. Except, this time, so much had changed. It was a much calmer day. (The lake didn’t have whitecaps at all.) But we still didn’t want to load our boat there. So we looked around for a boat launch directly on the river, which is where we were trying to go last week and missed our turn since the water was so crazy. After a relaxing picnic, we put our boat into the placid water and set off. And it was pure heaven. It was just what I had hoped it would be: tranquil, life-affirming, and completely transforming. We looked above and saw many birds flying in the sky and looked below and saw many tiny fish swimming in the water. The sun was shining, the breeze was gentle, the water was calm, and we were in heaven. The more we paddled, the more I could feel my previous week’s anxiety and tension melt away. We were safe and protected. And we were doing exactly what we were meant to be doing: feeling complete joy.

We reached a point where the river curved, and what we saw just ahead blew our minds: sandy beaches lined with seashells and driftwood – each leading to the ocean! We had paddled all the way to the Pacific! We breathed the sea air deeply into our lungs and smiled wider than we’ve ever smiled before. I felt so proud of myself that I said yes to giving kayaking another try, and I felt completely blessed that saying yes brought me to this magical moment.

I’ll be sure to remember this feeling the next time I want to shy away from opening my heart to what I love – even if I’ve experienced a scary moment with it before. I have had my heart broken in the past, but that didn’t stop me from opening it back up to Dan. I have experienced deep grief with losing my sweet furry babies throughout my life, yet I still keep a space in my heart open for new friends to come in.

There’s so much about life that can feel scary, and it makes perfect sense to want to close off our heart and protect ourselves from hurting and feeling afraid. Yet, in doing so, we end up missing all of the good as well – the potential magical moments like I just encountered yesterday along the river. 

I want to live with an open and trusting heart, and I want to continue saying yes to soul-enriching experiences such as this. It feels really good to do so, and I’m so, so happy that because I said yes to giving kayaking another try, my latest memory of it is a positive one. That’s what I’ll remember the next time I get into it and head off on another adventure. It’s moments like these that I wish to tack on – one after another. And that will only happen if I allow myself to get back on the water of life – to fully experience it and to keep showing up for it.

So here I am.

I hope you’ll join me here. It’s a wonderful place to be.

Hugs,