Shared Wisdom Guest Post – Featuring Lori Portka
I am nice.
Really. I am so good at being nice. For most of my life this has served me very well.
This niceness.
It’s easy to get along with others when you are nice. You have lots of friends when you are nice. People mostly like you…when you are nice.
I think my first lesson in niceness began in the womb. My mother has a deep seated belief that girls should be respectable and polite. They should follow directions and obey all of the rules. Listen. Not talk back. Not wear out their welcome. Not speak too crossly to adults. Be agreeable. Respect people who are older. Not swear. (Oh no, swearing is very bad for girls.) Be soft-spoken. Not dress like a hussy. Be good. Be nice…
I have a mother who loves me and always has. She learned to be nice from her mother who probably learned from her mother, and who knows how far back this nice-thing goes.
Lately though, I have been re-thinking my deeply ingrained niceness. At times it feels like a manipulation (I want people to like me.) Like a falseness. Like something that isn’t really true for me any more.
It’s not that I’m not nice. It’s that I am not nice, all the time.
Sometimes, I judge people. Not for the way their hair looks or how they dress, but for bigger things like- I judge people who are against gay marriage. Why? I just don’t get it.
Sometimes, I swear. Actually, I swear a lot.
Sometimes, I get jealous. And, feel ashamed of it. And then feel ashamed that I am ashamed because I am working on shame issues. (But, that’s another post altogether.) I get jealous of other artists, of my teenage step-daughter who weighs 80 pounds soaking wet, and of people who make loads of money.
As I am learning to be true to myself, I’m finding out that sometimes this means I need to let go of the niceness for what is really there. I am a woman with a wide range of feelings and emotions, but often the not-so-pretty thoughts get hushed for the niceness.
I’m new at learning to be true to myself and not always very graceful in my delivery. Like the time when I was recently interrupted at a meeting and practically screamed and probably spit, “I WAS TALKING!” Everyone’s huge eyeballs were staring at me. My cheeks turned red. I completely forgot what I was going to say.
I am a whole woman. Good and bad, compassionate and angry, loving and indifferent.
This year, I intend to be kind and nice when that is what feels right, not out of a programmed way of reacting. I imagine that I will naturally be kind most of the time. I really am nice. I also intend to say no when my heart feels no, to disagree, to speak up when I am frustrated and angry, and to set boundaries when needed. I intend to do this even if I am a little rough around the edges and unruly and uncomfortable…and even if my face turns red. It’s okay.
Thank you, inner nice girl. You have served me well and continue to a big part of who I am. Welcome to the surface, inner unpleasant girl. Thanks for keeping it real.
***
About Lori:
I am a full-time artist, doing what I love, in hope of spreading a little happiness around. I believe in loving kindness, and I’m trying to be as authentically me as possible. I am mostly sweet and compassionate and learning to say “no” when “yes” does not feel right and accept (and even embrace) the non-optimistic, angry, spitfire part of myself. I travel as much as possible, and love animals with all my heart.
Thank you so much, Lori, for your heartfelt honesty and for telling it like it is. We all have both sides to us, and I absolutely love when someone puts their authentic self into the world for everyone to see. Standing tall in your niceness and not-so-niceness is the biggest gift you could ever give to the world. Well, that, and your amazingly sweet paintings. 😉
You can find all of her creative goodness on her website and also in her Etsy shop.
Lol, that sounds like me today. I went crazy for a little while but then had to get back in touch with my inner niceness. I’m petit and blonde and quiet, but sometimes a spazz out rather than embracing the niceness within. More God, less me. Good reminder!
♥ We all have those days…
I love how you describe yourself Brooke- me too. except not blond so much! xoxo
I too was raised to be “nice”. I love for other people to “love me”. But not everyone is going to love you no matter how hard you try. So just “get over yourself” and just be your own person.
That has been a hard lesson for me to learn – that not everyone is going to like me. But once I truly got that, it was freeing. I could be myself and not worry about it anymore. 🙂
great post! being authentic and true is so important!
and life IS messy!
It is messy – and that’s a good thing! Thanks for commenting! 🙂
Loved this post. Really, not just saying that to be nice. 🙂 I can relate to the author’s upbringing, and the need to break free from it. It is so important, no matter what characteristic or personality trait is most apparent in a person, that they do not lose their voice. Their own voice. The inner one.
You’re exactly right – keeping that inner voice at the forefront is essential. Thanks for sharing!
Timely post! My not-so-sweet person emerged yesterday. I tried to set a boundary when someone was making what I felt to be an unreasonable request.
(As my husband later observed, ‘What part of NO didn’t she understand?”)
Because my inner not-so-nice person is caged up most of the time, when she gets loose, it’s not pretty. I later apologized, and the apology was accepted.
We are definitely all human, and kudos to you for being able to own up to your mistakes!
Beautiful post! I Love seeing and hearing of women who are stepping up and being more than nice. I grew up being nice and having so many friends and all the grandmas in the community loved me and it was a wonderful experience in so many ways.. but as I got older I learned it was doing some damage also. I did not know how to say no.. I did not know how to take the time I needed for me. When I was about 30 to 35 I really started to explore some other sides of me and have learned that nice is nicer when balanced with truth. Nice works well as long as it doesn’t take anything away from me.. no more giving until I have nothing left 🙂 41 now and i am feeling like I have found a pretty nice balance and have worked out the rough edges of not always being nice 🙂
Michelle, I’m so glad you are now balancing being nice with sharing your truth. Bravo!
I love this post 🙂 I want to print and hang up your statement “I am a whole woman. Good and bad, compassionate and angry, loving and indifferent.” There are way too many times I beat myself up for not being perfect and not being “nice” all of the time. We are not perfect and we have so many emotions and that’s okay.
You’re exactly right, Victoria! And learning to embrace each part of us – good and bad – is all a part of the process. So glad you’re here!
Thank you, Jodi, for sharing Lori with us and, Lori, thank you for sharing your sweet self.
“This year, I intend to be kind and nice when that is what feels right, not out of a programmed way of reacting.”
Yes! Here’s to living authentically!
You are both such a gift, thank you for your generous sharing.
With love,
Julia
Thank you for your sweetness, Julia. I am so excited to be able to share Lori’s words with everyone here. ♥
Thank you for all of your sweet comments! They have been such a joy to read!