Shared Wisdom Guest Post
Featuring Bobbi Emel from The Bounce Blog
The next message is always right where you are. ~ Ram Dass
First, a story . . .
I was sitting on the patio at Starbuck’s the other day passing time before I met a friend for lunch. I had a book with me and was trying to read it but, to tell the truth, my mood was down and I felt distracted from reading by my inner melancholy. Having lived with depression for a long time, my mind resorted to its gamut of self-recriminations: “You shouldn’t be feeling this way.” “Everything is fine, just stop it.” “You get gloomy too often for no good reason.”
Finally, I caught myself, took a breath to let go of the negative thoughts, and went back to my book and mocha. A flash of pink caught my eye as the patio door opened in front of my table. A young woman came out with her coffee in one hand, a diaper bag in the other, and a tiny baby girl in a pink onesie carried by a frontpack on the young woman’s chest.
“Do you mind if I sit here?” the young woman asked an older man sitting by himself at a table. “Go ahead,” he nodded. She sat down to my right across an aisle. I looked over.
I couldn’t help but smile. The baby was so tiny, perhaps just a few weeks old. Her little head had wobbled gently from side to side in time with mom’s steps. Her eyes opened wide as she tried to focus on the objects surrounding her. “Cute,” I thought, going back to my book.
After reading a few pages, I became aware that the young woman and older man were starting to converse. First in short sentences with long gaps between them and then the conversation slowly picked up. They were talking about the baby, of course. The man alternated between speaking gently to the baby and chatting with the young woman about how babies are at that age. She glowed and bounced the baby gently as he cooed to the child, then eagerly shared her experience of being a mother for the last few weeks.
I realized how much I was enjoying eavesdropping on their interaction. The tiny baby, so full of life and potential. The two adults, strangers, but effortlessly connecting through the shared experience of parenting. I always love watching the magic of these moments unfold.
I became aware of something else: my gloominess was gone. I had stayed present in the moment and my perspective had changed; my blue mood erased by a flash of pink and the choice to indulge in a special encounter between strangers.
The magic of the moment
After pondering this wonderful moment, I realized that there were three things that lifted my mood:
1. Noticing
Even though my mood was depressed, I still allowed myself to notice and really see what was happening around me.
I felt grateful for this because it’s easy for me to get very involved with my own inner world and become stuck there, chewing on my own cud of negative thinking.
Do you ever become so mired in your internal workings that you are blinded to anything outside of yourself?
The practice here is to remember to notice. Even if you are feeling depressed, or anxious, or stressed, remember to take a breath and look around for a moment. See what you notice.
Sometimes it’s nature you might notice: a fresh breeze in the air, birds singing a pretty song, wildflowers blooming in the spring.
Other times you might see something that happens every day that you’ve never really noticed before. Perhaps you are looking at your two co-workers smiling and laughing during a break. Instead of being envious of their good moods, really see them.
Isn’t it a miraculous thing that two different people can enjoy such an easy camaraderie? Have you ever noticed before how one of your co-worker’s eyes absolutely light up when she’s laughing and the other co-worker has that infectious grin?
Make a practice of noticing the tiny moments of magic in your day.
2. Allowing
Once you notice and really see what is around you, allow it to penetrate the wall erected by your negative thoughts or mood.
It’s one thing to notice a special moment, but if you have something invested in your bad mood – like getting attention or feeling sorry for yourself – you might not allow the magic to happen.
Ask yourself if you really want to feel better. If not, see what you’re getting by staying in the emotional space you’re in. Maybe it’s okay to be there awhile.
If not, let yourself be moved and changed by what you are noticing.
3. Staying
Staying in the moment is a hard practice for me, but one I am trying to do more and more often.
As we all know, feeling depressed is very much about the past and being worried or anxious is about the future. The ability to be in the present can relieve those emotions for awhile and give you an opportunity to make any changes that will help you handle them should they return.
The other aspect of staying is to choose to stay in the magic created in the moment you noticed. I could have gone back to my blue mood if I’d really tried, but I chose to let that mood go and stay with the warm feeling produced by two strangers and a baby at a coffee shop.
How about you? Will you choose to notice, allow, and stay the next time a magical moment comes up for you? Please comment below!
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Psychotherapist Bobbi Emel specializes in helping people face life’s significant challenges and regain their resiliency. In addition to seeing clients in her private practice, Bobbi is a well-regarded speaker and writer. You can find her blog at http://www.TheBounceBlog.com and follow her on Facebook and Twitter.
Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful, insightful words here on Soul Speak, Bobbi! I am learning more and more that the present moment carries all of life’s magic. The tricky part is to stay in it. And articles such as this are great reminders to help all of us do exactly that. I’m so grateful for you!
Great advice! I think that you can also use these steps any time you want to get in touch with your inner feelings. Some people are living by default and forget that they have many levels of emotion inside of them.
Yes, you’re right, Lori. I think these steps are ones we should keep on a conscious level as much as possible. It’s not an easy practice for me, but I keep trying . . .
😉
Bobbi,
Excellent post, and you have hit right on the mark. Noticing is absolutely the first, and I think also the hardest. A lot of times we get so wrapped up in our negative emotions that we don’t even notice what we are doing to ourselves. Whether there is a good reason for it or not. Without that awareness, nothing else can happen.
Very true, Dolly. Thanks for your comment!
I first began noticing and allowing when I became a therapist in 1995. I think the business of kids kept me from it before that time. Not that it had to, I just wasn’t aware. It makes life so rich. I really like to practice in the airport because it’s a challenging place and I travel a lot. Doing so makes it pleasant.
I agree, Tess, the airport is a great place to practice staying present and noticing. I rather enjoyed the last flight delay I experienced because I took the time to just notice what was happening around me in the busy food court. It actually really lifted my day!
Hi Bobbi,
Absolutely! I actively look for opportunities to connect with what’s going on the world. Any time a negative thought creeps in it gets banished or put where it belongs, if it has nothing to do with what’s happening Right Now.
Wow, great practice, Julie!
It is lovely that sometimes we only have to open ourselves to receiving – and there’s the abundance of the whole universe waiting to bring us joy. I find my happiness in the little things around me throughout the day, every day. I enjoyed this post. And there’s nothing like watching a baby to lift the spirits. Thank you, Bobbi and Jodi! Have a great day!
I like your way of phrasing it, Vidya: “there’s the abundance of the whole universe waiting to bring us joy.”
Lovely!
Notice, allow and stay… I’m gonna repeat this for easy recall when I need it. 🙂 Loved the post, Bobbi. The first part of the story gave me goosebumps – I’m a sucker for the little things, for human connection (even if I’m not always so engaged in it myself).
I can totally relate to this entire post. When I’m in a depressed mood, I definitely find it easy to get lost in myself…But like you, I’ve worked my way out of it just by noticing the world around me. When you realize that life is still going on, joy is still being felt, connection is still being made, it makes it easier to get outside of yourself and let go of your own glum mood. And this post so wonderfully illustrated that. Thanks for your wisdom. 🙂
Thanks, Kaylee! I love your insight into this whole process. It’s funny how easily we can forget something like noticing, allowing, and staying are such simple keys to getting out of our heads and into life.
I love this piece of wisdom Bobbi. I can identify so much. So many times I’ve gotten wrapped up in the twisted, tangle of my own thoughts and fail to notice the beauty of nature and humanity going on around me. When we lift our eyes to see the world around us, I’ve noticed it can profoundly change our mood. Such a nice story – I could just picture that cute baby!
I’m glad you have figured this ‘noticing’ thing out, Sarah! It really does help us get outside of ourselves, doesn’t it?
One of the things I have always taught people about dogs is they are not good multi-taskers. I found out as I started coaching people they aren’t either and the same principles apply.
For instance instead of focusing on what a dog is doing wrong and verbalizing “no, no bad dog”, instead show and tell your dog what to do with something as simple as “sit”. Amazing how everyone starts smiling the second the dog performs this very easy task. Accomplishment, pride, a sense of peace replace jumping, barking or unruly behavior.
I use the “noticing” game with people all the time. When a bad habit pops up, go to noticing what you could do or think instead in that very moment. It works the same. A smile, a sense of accomplishment, confidence, pride replace the negative. Simple task. Big result.
Great post Bobbi. Mahalo.
Great analogy, JT! Positive reinforcement works for humans as well as our four-legged friends!
Beautiful story. It’s so true that whenever I feel down or stressed it is because I am not in the present. Thanks for sharing
Thanks, Ciara, I’m so glad you liked it!