Letting Negativity Flow Out

I was feeling extremely overwhelmed the other day. My sweetie, Dan, and I are coming down the home stretch with our 365 Ways to Connect with Your Soul book edits and have been pushing extra hard to make sure it’s all ready to go to the printer by the end of the month. We haven’t taken a day off in weeks and have been working much more each day than my body is used to. I could feel that I was going on nothing but fumes, and I didn’t feel like there was time to recharge – just too much to do.

I now see that I was in a perfect space – in the midst of this chaos and overwhelm –  for something to knock me off center, which it did. While the vast majority of communication and interaction surrounding this book has been loving and sweet and supportive and appreciative (which I’m so grateful for!), there have been a few blips here and there where I’ve received emails that weren’t loving or kind or supportive. (Thankfully just a few, which I’m also grateful for!)

However, in my completely exhausted state, the few that weren’t so loving felt huge and expansive and seemed to be ballooning quickly in my mind and were quickly taking over my world. I found myself focusing solely on them. For every 100 emails that I received that were filled with love, I fixated on the 1 or 2 that weren’t. I couldn’t get them out of my mind, and I found my entire body was shaking after reading them. I did my best to remedy each situation, to raise myself into a higher vibration before responding, and to make sure everyone was happy. And, for the most part, one way or another, everything was resolved. And yet, I was still holding onto the anger and hurt.

My first response when I feel upset is to retreat. I have all sorts of grandiose thoughts about how I’m just going to pull away from public life completely, become a beach bum, and never interact with anyone again. I am so sensitive that it can be really hard to be part of this world sometimes (oftentimes). So, I went to my bed, pulled the covers up, and cried my frustration out. And, after an hour or so, I heard my soul speak to me, in the most loving way.

It told me that retreating wasn’t the answer right now – not for a long-term solution, at least. It said that the real growth would come from learning to be part of this world and finding ways to not take everything in quite so deeply. To focus on all of the love that pours into my world each day instead of fixating on the few exceptions when things aren’t sent with love. To feel immense gratitude for this book and for all of the beautiful souls who are in it – knowing that we’ll be spreading so much love around the world through our words. And to remember that when I’m tired, things always feel bigger and less manageable and insurmountable. To give myself permission when I’m feeling this way, to simply step away for a little while so that I can rest, recharge, and bring my vibration back to its natural state, which is one of gratitude and love.

I fell asleep feeling much more at peace, much happier, and so relieved. The next night, I saw my angel dog-ter, Xena, in a dream. She was so happy – running around, playing, and smiling the biggest grin I’ve ever seen.

When I woke up, I felt much lighter and freer. I felt like I had been given the gift of perspective and wisdom from my soul. I had been given the gift to allow myself to choose my response – to allow any negativity that comes into my life to flow right on out – rather than hanging onto it and carrying it around with me. If I’m going to carry anything, let it be the love and light that flows in each day – let myself be surrounded and protected by it. And allow myself to stay in each moment with both feet in – fully present, fully engaged, and fully grounded.

So that’s what I’m doing. And ever since my focus has shifted and I’ve taken some time to consciously raise my vibration, I’m feeling so much better. I’m more rooted and more present and more filled with love, which always feels good.

Now, I can finish this book from this high state of being, and that energy will flow into the book and expand all around the world when it comes out. Whew!



Newly Found Freedom

treeIn the last couple of weeks, one of my worst fears has been realized several times over.

When something happens once, I tend to let it blow by me. When it happens twice, I start to pay a little closer attention. And when it happens again and again and yet again, I realize that this is something big for me to really look at and learn from.

All of my life, I have lived in fear of people being mad at me, and I tend to do everything in my power to make sure that rarely happens. It’s why I’ve withheld my truth far more than I care to admit, why I’ve stayed in relationships far longer than I should have, and why I’ve stayed at jobs far longer than I wanted to.

I grew up in an environment where I was the peacemaker – trying to keep the entire family together and content. I became the master at diffusing potentially volatile situations and, at a very young age, became hypervigilant toward people’s emotions and actions – doing whatever I could to make sure I wasn’t in the line of fire and hopefully would be able to put all fires out before they even began.

This strategy worked for the most part, and even though it oftentimes took quite a bit of energy to stay this aware of others and of my surroundings, it seemed worth it if no one was angry with me.

Through the years, though, I realized that I was so busy trying to make sure everyone else was happy with me that I forgot to check in with myself and see if I was happy (which I often wasn’t). I became so tired of anticipating everyone’s potential reactions to my actions that I completely exhausted myself.

So, I started standing up for myself – at first in small ways and then in larger ways. And I saw that, even though it was horribly painful to do so, the cost of not speaking my truth became far greater than ruffling some feathers. While I usually felt lighter and more self assured after the anger settled, I still found myself resisting speaking my truth in the future. I still had this huge piece of me who still wanted everyone to love me and to be happy with me – no matter what keeping the peace was doing to my own soul.

Over the past few weeks, several instances have happened where people have been angry with me for various reasons. I felt like no matter what I did, I couldn’t get it right. While one person was over-the-moon happy with my actions, another was extremely upset by them. Each time someone reacted in anger, my initial reaction was to panic and immediately do whatever I could to make them love me again and be happy with me again. This was followed by my desire to withdraw, feeling that if I couldn’t make everyone happy all of the time, then maybe it was best if I just retreated from everything for awhile. And then, thankfully, my soul showed up and helped me see that all of this happening at once was a beautiful gift of freedom that had been given to me.

I realized that living in fear of other people’s reactions is completely fruitless and absolutely exhausting. I realized that I could do everything “right” (as far as I could tell from my own perspective), and still someone could be upset. And I realized that there is such freedom in this. Because it allows me the freedom to simply live my life in the best way I can and not worry about anyone else. I know that I am a good person. I know that I never would intentionally hurt someone. And I know that by trying not to hurt anyone else, I have ended up hurting myself, which I’m no longer okay with.

So, while I still don’t feel comfortable knowing that others are angry with me, I am going to do my best to allow them to be wherever they are and allow myself to be okay with that. I am going to do my best to focus on whether I am making myself happy, whether I am showing up in the world as someone that I am proud of, and whether I can feel good about myself and my actions. And if the answer to each of these is yes, then I will feel at peace. And that is all that I’m looking for.

Today, for the first time in a long while, I feel like I can breathe again. I feel my own strength – like a deeply rooted tree, one that can bend with the breeze but will never break. I am rooted in love, and that is more powerful than anything else.

For the first time in awhile, I feel strong, and I feel free. And that feels amazing.



Permission to Stand Up for Myself

I hardly slept last night. 

Before going to sleep, I did everything “right” to insure that I would sleep soundly:

  • I closed all screens two hours before winding down.
  • I played a game of Backgammon with my sweetie, which we have done every night for many years.
  • I took my herbal sleeping remedy.
  • I had a light snack with protein, carb, and fat. (Perfect for my adrenal glands.)
  • I took a warm bath with epsom salt and lavender.
  • I read a bit in my novel while two of my three cats snuggled with me.
  • I turned on the air conditioning, making the bedroom nice and cool.
  • I closed the curtains so the room was pitch black.
  • I covered up my digital clock so I wouldn’t fixate on the time.
  • I turned on my white noise machine.
  • I rubbed some AdrenaCalme on my wrists.

I do each of these things every night, and usually they send me into a deep slumber for many hours.

But not last night. I could feel my mind swirling and my heart racing and my body tensing and my adrenals on high alert.

At some point in the early hours of the morning I realized something: I had done everything I could to make sure the externals were just right, but I had forgotten to check in with my internal self, which was all scattered and stressed and flustered and filled with worry. 

Normally, all of these external practices are enough. Normally, I am able to fall asleep within minutes of turning off the lights. Normally, I’m able to slow down my mind enough and release all of the day’s events in order to fall asleep.

But not last night.

One of the things that I’ve found with adrenal fatigue is that things that may seem like normal everyday stressors seem almost insurmountable and larger than life. Because my system has been on overdrive for so long, I have very little reserves to be able to handle any stress that comes into my world. And so, things that may have been small before appear extremely large. And things that may have been medium before can send my entire body into a tizzy.

One of those medium stressors happened yesterday: I found out that someone was using one of my products on their site without my knowledge or consent, which was very upsetting and hurtful. I went through the proper measures to put a stop to it, which worked. But then they wrote to me – pleading that I retract the complaint – saying that they weren’t aware that it was mine and that their business would now suffer. I went from feeling hurt and violated to feeling bad for this person and not wanting to ruin their life in the process of protecting myself.

So, while I was supposed to be sleeping, I instead tossed and turned – ruminating about this person and worrying about how it could all be resolved in a loving, peaceful way where we both felt seen and heard.

This feeling that I had of feeling bad for the person who hurt me was familiar: it was how I felt as a child – growing up with a stepdad who had the ability to turn everything around and make me feel like I was always at fault. He could say something horrible to me, and within minutes I would find myself apologizing to him.

While I was awake in bed last night, these long-lost feelings of powerlessness and confusion flooded into my body and pulsed through my veins. I went right back to being a little girl – knowing what I knew to be true, but then questioning it and stuffing my feelings around it – feeling ashamed for being angry in the first place and then feeling bad for any suffering I caused as a result of my anger. These feelings also tied into being molested and knowing that it was wrong but having it all turned around into me thinking that it was somehow my fault. I knew that I been violated, but I became so confused and unsure of myself.

I was watching an Abraham-Hicks DVD the other night where a woman was asking Abraham how to let go of a similar traumatic childhood experience. And Abraham said that this experience helped her gain strength and really learn to stand up for herself. Abraham asked her if she would be as vulnerable if a similar situation happened today. And she replied that of course not – she would protect and stand up for herself. She was an adult now, and she wouldn’t let herself be violated again. And in realizing that, she noticed how strong she was and how free she was – how much distance she had been able to put between what happened so long ago and where she was right here in this moment.

And last night, while lying awake and thinking all of this through, I realized that – in a small way – this current copyright violation was helping me see just how far I’ve come as well. I could send love to the person who did it, accept their apology, and take them at their word that they didn’t know any better. But I could do this while, at the same time, protecting myself and my creations. I didn’t have to retract anything because I didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t have to apologize for standing up for myself. I did what I felt was right, and I am proud that I protected myself in this way.

When I woke up this morning, I was tired, of course. But I was also grateful that I was able to process all of this deep emotional baggage last night – I could now see what was at the root of this restlessness and know how to move forward and let it go in the most loving way. 

I feel pretty confident that I’ll be able to sleep tonight, now that these emotions have been dug up and released into the light. But if not, I’ll know that there’s more that needs healing, and I’ll do my best to welcome the awakeness – knowing that it’s helping me to process all of this old stuff that is ready to be released.

Our bodies are so wise. And my body knew that it was more important that I take a night to process all of this – to find peace with all of this. And that’s worth several nights of sleep just to feel that calmness in my body again. Which I am feeling right now.




Many Different Roads


I’ve been here, on this Earth, for long enough to have discovered that there is more than one way to do something, more than one way to get to wherever it is that we want to go, and more than one road to take.

Some of us will take the straight road – one that is easy and free of struggle – one that feels light and joy-filled. Some of us will take the road that twists and turns so much that we feel completely disoriented after being on it. Some of us will take the road that seems to have more dead ends than through streets. And some of us will take the road that is so steep and tumultuous that we fear we’ll never reach our destination.

Some of our roads will be freshly paved and smooth, and we’ll feel like we’re on top of the world when we’re traveling on them – effortlessly gliding across them with great ease.

And some of our roads will be filled with potholes and objects to watch out for, and we may feel like we’ve made a mistake – that there must be something wrong with us to have chosen such a horrible road.

But here’s the thing: there is always so much we can learn from any of the roads that we’re on. And being on a “hard road” doesn’t mean that we’ve made a mistake. It simply means that we’re gathering information that is helping to expand our soul and our experience here on Earth. It means that we have the opportunity to discover new parts of ourselves while in the face of difficult terrain. And it means that when we reach our destination, we’ll be able to keep all of these discoveries in our hearts and continue to learn more about ourselves and about this world that we live in.

Would it be easier if we always chose the smooth road that simply took us from A to B? Of course! But if we only took the smooth road, we wouldn’t get to experience everything else that’s available to us. And if we didn’t have the experience of these other, more difficult roads, we wouldn’t be able to appreciate the smooth road nearly as much.

I’ve been on some really rough roads throughout my life. And I’ve also been on some really smooth roads. Sometimes (like now), I’m on several roads at once – each of which has a different terrain. For example, the road with my husband has been blissfully smooth for almost 14 years. I never knew that such a road existed before I met him, and I’m so appreciative. However, the road that I’ve been on surrounding my health has been really bumpy, difficult, and filled with twists and turns, dead ends, potholes, and obstacles. But being on this road is teaching me so much about myself and about life, and I know that when I’ve learned what it is I need to know, the road will become smooth again.

This is all part of the journey. And it’s a journey that we’re all on together.

If you’re currently on a smooth road, be sure to embrace it and enjoy it! And if you’re currently on a bumpy road, see if you can find the goodness that it brings as well – see if you can thank it for helping you grow. Because that’s exactly what it’s there for.

I’m sending love to all of us – no matter where we are on the journey and no matter what the ride currently feels like. It’s all good; it’s all valuable; and it’s all exactly right.




Shifting It

feel good copyThe other day, it seemed like a dark cloud was following me everywhere I went.

I woke up from a not-so-restful sleep to the sound of bulldozers shaking the entire house. An old neck injury flared up. We were surrounded by smoke from nearby forest fires, which was making me cough and feel altogether crappy.

I took the day off from work, and I wandered around the house not sure what to do with myself – I just wasn’t in the mood for anything, and I felt like my life was just passing me by.

I woke up in a bad mood, and I spent much of the day in a bad mood. I was frustrated and sad and felt completely powerless.

I went to my bed and cried, which usually helps me to feel better. I love crying – it’s such a great way to release all of my emotions that are boiling over and aren’t sure where to land. It’s usually very grounding for me, but this time it didn’t seem to alleviate any of my angst.

My soul kept asking me to get out – to leave the house – to shift it. 

But you know how when you’re feeling really down the last thing you want to do is summon the energy to get dressed and get ready and get out? That’s where I was. And so I stayed in bed and pulled the covers up.

But my soul is persistent, and it wouldn’t let it go. I could almost feel it pulling the covers back, taking my hand and brushing my hair, picking out some clothes, and pushing me out the door.

I knew from past experience that when going to my bed doesn’t do the trick, more drastic measures are needed. And getting out of the house and shifting my energy and being in a new environment always seems to help.

So my husband and I drove across the street and went into a couple of stores. We looked around, bought some things, and then came home an hour later.

Nothing really had changed externally, but so much had changed internally. My outlook changed. My demeanor changed. The dark cloud that had been over me since I woke up that morning had lifted.

I ate some cookies. I played a game. I snuggled with my cats. I chatted with my husband. And I smiled and felt at peace. I was back.

I don’t mind being sad. And I don’t mind being frustrated. I know that they are part of the human experience, and I always learn so much about myself when I’m in the midst of these emotions. But sometimes, they have a way of coming in all at once and taking over, and when that happens I don’t feel like I am learning from them – I just feel buried by them. So shifting is a great way for me to lessen their strength so that I am better able to understand them and grow from them.

I’m so glad my soul kept at it. I’m so grateful that I listened. And I’m so happy that I remembered to shift it all. It works wonders every single time. I highly recommend it the next time you’re having a “dark cloud” moment or are feeling underwater in any way. It truly doesn’t take much to shift, but the impact that it had is so powerful.