I just took some pictures of our living room to send to my Mom, and I started looking at them through fresh eyes. We have lived in our home for almost four years, and I’m just now beginning to feel settled in.
My husband and I moved to Oregon on a dream. We had just learned about the law of attraction, and we absolutely had both feet in and were ready to consciously apply it to our lives. So we moved into a luxurious 5,000 square foot home that we definitely couldn’t afford, but we were convinced that we would manifest whatever we needed to make it work.
The house itself was absolutely gorgeous – plenty of land in the middle of the mountains, more bathrooms than we possibly needed – one of them larger than our current master bedroom, 2 jacuzzi tubs, 2 stoves, an industrial-sized refrigerator, a marble fireplace, 10 sets of French doors, and so much more. It was amazing.
Except, I couldn’t enjoy it. Either I was completely stressed about trying to pay for it (the heating bill for one month was $600, which was about six times what we were used to), or I felt like I was playing house – like I couldn’t possibly believe that we could live in a house this grand.
I see now that we leaped into something so quickly, and we were in way over our heads. We didn’t change our mindset or our beliefs about ourselves and what we felt we deserved, and so it didn’t feel real and it wasn’t plausible for us.
I won’t go into all of the details here, but thankfully we were able to leave this house after just one year – bruised and battered, but more than ready to lick our wounds and start over.
We moved into a much more realistic home – about 1/3 the size. A home that felt more like us – like where we were at this point in our lives. A home that felt comforting. A home that didn’t break the bank and cause us to go into a panic attack when we got the electric bill each month.
Still, that year of stress took its toll on us, and we have spent the last few years digging ourselves out of the hole we got ourselves into during that time – both financially and emotionally. And during this time, I’ve really had a lot of space to get clear on what I want and what I don’t want – who I am and who I am not – what is important to me and what isn’t – what brings me joy and what doesn’t.
It’s been a beautiful cocooning time, and I feel like I am just now emerging stronger, but also emotionally softer, than before.
I used to be ashamed that affording this grand home didn’t come easily for me at the time – that this somehow made me a failure. I used to hang my head when I thought about all of the pain and stress that I experienced during my time there, and I wondered how long I would be licking my wounds.
But seeing these pictures made me realize something: I’m doing okay. I love my current home. I am proud that I live here – that I can afford to live here. I love that it’s nice and cozy and comfy and ME.
I am not a showy person. I don’t have a grand personality. I am not luxurious and extravagant. I am homey and comfortable and authentic – just like my current home.
This home feels so much more like the true me than the spacious mansion ever did. And seeing these pictures warmed my heart because they helped me see what a blessing these last few years have been for me. If I had stayed in that huge house, I wouldn’t have had the freedom to experiment with my creativity and see where my soul wanted to take me. While I will never know, I have a pretty strong feeling that I wouldn’t be here now with you had I stayed there.
And so I’m extra grateful for the shifts that allowed me to move and come to my current home. The home that fits me so well. The home that has helped me embrace my truth, my voice, my authenticity, my heart. The home that has become a part of me.
While I know that it isn’t my forever home, I’m so happy that it’s my current home. It’s just right, and I am so grateful that I am now able to embrace it for all that it has given and continues to give to me.
So many of us have experienced painful situations in our lives – moments that we wish we never had to go through. And I wonder if we can each try to step away from our hurt or anger – just for a moment – and see the blessings that came because of this experience. It’s my hope that we’ll each be able to find many. That’s what looking at these pictures has helped me see, and I hope this perspective helps you as well.
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