Over the weekend, Dan and I watched a documentary called Autism in Love, which profiles four people who are on the autism spectrum as they process yearning for love, finding it, and also losing it. It’s a movie that I highly recommend – it’s moving and poignant and went straight to my heart.

My heart especially broke for Lenny, a young man who wanted nothing more in life than to be “normal” – to not be autistic. He said that if he were given the choice to either have a million dollars but have to still be autistic versus being normal but not having any money, he would still choose to be normal. He constantly struggled with his identity and his pain was palpable. He was angry and depressed and felt stuck. And, while I can’t possibly know exactly how he feels, I empathized so much with his desire to just want to be normal because this is something that I’ve wrestled with throughout my life as well.

Growing up, I never felt like I truly fit in. While I looked the same as everyone else on the outside (and often acted the same), I felt completely different on the inside. I learned how to play the game and pretend that I was like everyone, but I knew the truth. I knew that I saw the world differently. I seemed to think about things that others just weren’t thinking about and felt pain and emotions more acutely – my own and also someone else’s. I was sensitive to noise and stimulus and wanted nothing more than to be alone.

As I got older, I began to stop pushing against who I was and started embracing the gifts that being so sensitive and empathic brought, yet there were still times when I longed to be just like everyone else because I believed that my life would be so much easier if I were. I wouldn’t cry every day from one thing or another – beautiful or sad, big or small. I wouldn’t feel the world’s pain as acutely. I wouldn’t need to lie down as much or be alone as much in order to reset my energetic system. I could just be like everyone else: get up on Monday and go to work and have kids and have barbecues on the weekends and watch football games and get up on Monday and do it all over again. Part of me longed for this, and I struggled with knowing that this is someone that I would never be. And if I tried, it would always be an act.

In the movie, Lenny’s mom said that she wanted nothing more than for him to accept himself and love himself, which is what I wish for us all (myself included). It’s only in the last few years that I’ve truly embraced who I am – all of my idiosyncrasies and each part of me that makes me the loving soul that I know I am. It’s been such a healing journey for me to stop trying to fit in – to stop trying to live someone else’s life simply because I didn’t want to rock the boat or be looked down on or have anyone think I was strange.

Someone came to our house the other day to fix something, and I was unapologetically myself. I told the truth. I didn’t play the game. I didn’t put on an act and try to be someone that I wasn’t. We got to talking, and I shared honestly about the quiet life that we live – that we’ve longed to live for years and are actually doing. I told him how we rarely speak to anyone else, how the beach is our favorite place to go, and how our cocoon of two is absolutely perfect. It felt so good to share my truest self with a stranger – to stand up tall and proud and say, “This is me.”  And he got it. He saw me for who I really was. I’m sure he didn’t give it a second’s thought after he left, but I felt free and light – something that’s stayed with me ever since.

I have spent a lifetime learning to love and accept who I am – especially the parts that don’t fit in with mainstream society. And being able to share these parts feels amazing. The more I do it, the better I feel. And the better I feel, the more I’m going to want to continue sharing. It’s a loving circle in that way. I wish I could bottle up these emotions and send them to Lenny – so that he could see how wonderful it feels when we embrace and love our entire self – when we can see the gifts that come from what makes us different. It’s my hope that he’ll reach this point as well – that we all will. Because it’s so freeing when we do.

Hugs,

P.S. – We just released our latest book: Bring Your Dreams to Life: Discover Your Soul’s Purpose & Turn Your Visions into Reality! We’re having a special right now, too, where you’ll receive a free guided meditation and ebook when you order! You can learn more about it here: https://www.jodichapman.com/bring-your-dreams-to-life/ 

(So much love and gratitude to each of you who have already ordered – it already reached #1 because of you, so thank you for this sweet surprise!)