I find it interesting that so often when something feels so right and so good and so everything that we’ve ever wanted, we oftentimes do everything that we can (either consciously or subconsciously) to keep ourselves from experiencing and enjoying that exact thing. 

I’m not sure why, although I would imagine that it goes back to a belief deep within about how we’re not really meant to be over-the-moon happy. A little happy, yes. But extreme happiness? Well, that’s just asking for too much.

I have fallen into this silly mindset (and continue to, if I’m being completely honest). I know at the soul level that we are all here to feel good and to allow ourselves to be happy. I know with such certainty that we aren’t here as a form of punishment but instead because we chose to be – because we wanted to experience an adventure and expand our awareness as a result of each experience. I know this. And yet, I am constantly catching myself acting otherwise. I am continually putting myself into situations that don’t make me happy and that don’t feel good at all – especially when I’ve been on a high and have experienced “too much joy” for the time being.

My latest example of this is what happened last week. For months, I have been planning to rearrange my work schedule so that I have the afternoons open to write and finish a solo book that I’m working on. Dan and I have moved projects around to make sure this was feasible. I said goodbye to several work circuits in order to make this happen. And I’ve been honestly extremely excited that, for the first time ever, I’m making my own writing and my own well-being a top priority. Writing my own books feeds my soul in such a deep way, and when I don’t have a project of my own to nourish and create, I tend to feel unfulfilled and sad and get really cranky.

So, this new routine began on July 5th, and the first few days flowed beautifully. I spent the mornings on various work projects and administrative tasks, then went to the beach for a couple of hours for lunch, and came home to write. I was amazed at how quickly the words were flowing, especially since I hadn’t written a word in my book in over a year. I was in creative bliss. I felt full and free and accomplished and so proud that I was actually showing up for myself after years and years of talking about wanting to live this way. Dan and I came together each night after working on our own books and felt more alive and more ourselves then we had in a long time. It was all going splendidly! Life was amazing! All of our dreams had come true!

And then, just a few days after these magical moments of bliss began, we got sick. Really sick. At the exact same time, we came down with a horrible stomach flu that kept us in bed for almost a week. Our books would have to wait because we could hardly sit up, much less think enough to write. Our highest high turned into one of our lowest lows – all in a matter of hours.

I came crashing down to “reality” – at least the reality that a part of me thinks I should live in. The reality that says that things can go well for a time but watch out because something bad will happen eventually to wake you up out of whatever daydream you’ve been living in. 

After meeting Dan, I spent longer than I care to admit just waiting for his “true colors” to show. He seemed too good to be true – my ideal partner. He was better than I had even imagined, and that scared me. Yet, he’s still here. We’re still here – more in love than ever after almost 15 years. And our love lets me know that dreams do come true and our ultimate happiness is our birthright. Our love helps me to dream bigger and reach higher and expect more – even if a small part of me still believes that I’m not worthy of so much happiness or that it’s selfish to want it in the first place.

I believe that everything happens for a reason and that we attract into our lives exactly what we need to help us grow. This illness shined a light on my belief that too much happiness is possible, which isn’t a belief that I would like to carry forward. I want to be beyond happy and beyond blissful. I want to allow myself to soar to the highest high that I can even imagine – and then reach even beyond that. I want this for myself and for all of us.

We deserve to be happy. And if any beliefs are holding us back from feeling complete joy, we get to let them go – which is exactly what I’m choosing to do. I may have been derailed for a week, but I’m back on track now – stronger with more conviction than ever before. That’s the gift that came from this illness: I now see just how committed I am to pursuing my dreams. I now see how passionate I am about my own happiness. I now see that my own self love goes deeper than any silly belief that I somehow constructed along the way – a belief that never served me to begin with and was never true.

I now see my own desire for happiness to be much like a tree: deeply rooted into the ground and deeply a part of the universal flow. When I write, I am free. When I create, I am happy. And there is more than enough happiness to go around – for all of us. There is an infinite supply. I’m breathing that in, and I hope you’ll do the same. Because we all deserve this. Truly, we do. We all deserve to feel more happiness than we ever imagined was possible. I’m just now getting that. It’s sinking into all of my roots. And I’m feeling the strength of this truth flow throughout me. I hope you feel it, too.

Hugs,