I have a feeling that this post is going to ruffle a few feathers, which I promise isn’t my intention at all.

I just feel that it’s time to address something that’s been on my mind and in my heart for a long while now, and it looks like today is the day to do that.

I don’t think being selfish is a bad thing.

Whew. I said it. It’s out in the open.

My breathing just tightened as I wrote that because I’m still getting used to this idea – this belief. I’ve been trying it on for a few years now – taking it out of the metaphorical closet and wearing it for a little bit just to see how it felt. At first, I will admit that it wasn’t comfortable at all. I would much rather feel resentful and mad at myself for doing something that I didn’t want to be doing – anything was better than being seen as selfish or feeling that I was being selfish.

But things have changed. I’ve gotten used to living this way. It’s gotten comfortable. And I feel so much better bringing it out into the open.

Like most of us, I grew up thinking that “selfish” was a bad word. I grew up believing that only bad people put themselves before others. And yet, a large part of me wanted to be selfish. I wanted to do what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it. I wanted to feel free. I didn’t want to hurt anyone in the process, but I wanted to live my own life.

So I constantly felt a push/pull inside of myself – a struggle to be “good” and a yearning to be “me.”

Eventually, I fit myself into this “selfless mode” as best I could, and tried – really tried – to live this way.

But it just didn’t work. After years of trying to be someone I wasn’t and doing things I didn’t want to do and putting others’ needs before my own, I decided that I had had enough. I had gone missing, and I wanted to find out where I had gone and bring myself back again.

So I started making changes – really small ones at first.

I started standing up for myself. If something didn’t feel right, I gave myself permission to not do it. I gave myself permission (no matter how uncomfortable it felt) to speak up. I gave myself permission to attend to my own needs before I attended to anyone else’s – knowing that I wasn’t doing anyone any good if I was completely lost or resentful or withdrawn because I had pushed myself aside.

I learned how to say no (in as high of a vibration and from as loving of a space as possible).

No. No. No. No. No.

And then I said it some more.

• No, I don’t want to do that interview/podcast/telesummit/call – no matter how great it seems. I instead want to relax and rest and practice extra-loving self care.
• No, I don’t want to go and see you purely out of obligation. I would much rather stay home and recharge my batteries and enjoy being a hermit.
• No, I don’t want to have you in my life if all I feel when we’re together is a dark cloud and toxicity. I instead want to lovingly tighten my love bubble and only invite those into it who bring me joy.
• No, I don’t want to do that thing that you want me to do when I know that it won’t make me happy – no matter how excited you are about it.
• No, I don’t want to keep doing that work thing that makes others happy but no longer brings me any kind of joy and just feels heavy now.

No. No. No. No. No.

At first, it was amazingly hard to say no. I felt riddled with guilt. I felt sick to my stomach. I felt like I was letting everyone down. I felt like a bad person. I felt selfish.

But my soul kept at it – kept asking me to stick with being selfish and to keep saying no. It let me know that all of these initial yucky feelings that I was going through were growing/expansion pains that would help me get to a new level of growth.

So I stayed with it. And little by little, sure enough, I eventually began to feel lighter and stronger and freer. I began to feel myself coming back – slowly but surely. I remembered how good it felt to live my own life – not the life that someone else wanted me to live, but the one that I truly was meant to live.

I had spent so much of my life being so afraid of having people be angry with me. And saying no to them certainly didn’t help this cause. Truth be told, I ended up upsetting and losing people in my life throughout this process.

But what I’ve realized is that those who truly love me have stuck around. Those who truly want the best for me love that I tell them no. Because they know that in doing so, I’m taking care of myself. And now when I say yes to them, they can trust that it’s because I really want to.

I know that we’re taught that being selfish is a bad thing. But how can feeling good be bad? How can filling up our own cup so we have more to give be bad? How can loving ourselves be bad?

I believe that we live in an infinitely abundant world. My taking care of myself (being selfish) in no way takes away from anyone else. It actually gives to them – through modeling self care and also through having more energy for them.

Obviously the kind of selfishness I’m writing about here is one that comes from a place of love – love for ourselves and for our own wellbeing. It’s not about wanting to hurt anyone – it’s simply about knowing how important it is to take great care of ourselves. It’s about knowing that we matter and are worthy of our own care. It’s about being willing to stand up for ourselves and no longer be okay with pushing our own needs to the side or saying yes when we mean no for fear of having someone be angry with us.

I’ve been imagining what our world would look like if more of us embodied this kind of loving selfishness. I believe that it would be a much happier one since we would be fulfilled and standing in our truth. I believe that it would be a much more giving one, too, since we would be giving from our hearts and not out of obligation.

I see things shifting more and more towards this already – here in this community and all around the world. And I love that. There’s something truly special about seeing each of us love ourselves and show up for ourselves. It’s huge and so, so needed.

So, if you aren’t already giving loving selfishness a try, why not test the waters and see how it feels – just put your toe in at first. It may feel uncomfortable in the beginning, but eventually it will feel amazing. It took me a while to dive in fully into this new way of living, and now that I’m here I can honestly say that it’s pretty wonderful. I would love for you to join me.

Hugs,

P.S. – I have two exciting announcements about out 365 Book Series:

1. We’ll be opening up registration soon for contributing authors in our 3rd book in the bestselling 365 Book Series! This book is called 365 Life Shifts: Pivotal Moments that Changed Everything. Click here to learn more about the book & sign up for the waiting list: http://www.365lifeshifts.com/

 

 

2. Be sure to mark your calendars for June 21st, which is when our 365 Moments of Grace book will be released into the world! For now, you can sign up here to be notified about its release (and you’ll also receive a free guided meditation): http://www.365momentsofgrace.com/