At some point in our lives, we’ve all been in need of some extra support. And instead of receiving it, a conversation such as this occurs:
Someone asks us how we’re doing. And we reply, “Oh, I’m honestly not that great. I haven’t felt very well this week, and I’m thinking of going to the doctor.”
They respond: “Me, too! I haven’t felt healthy in ages, and after going from doctor to doctor, I feel that I’ll never feel well again.”
Or maybe someone asks you how work is going. And you reply that you are feeling overworked and could really use a break since you hadn’t had a day off in a month. To which they respond, “Tell me about it! I haven’t had a vacation in years, and even if I did I would be so busy taking care of everyone else that I wouldn’t get to rest anyway.”
Or maybe someone asks you about your kids, and you tell them that they are okay for the most part – although your daughter is starting to rebel a bit lately. And they respond, “That’s nothing! My son has been rebelling for years, and I just know that he’s going to turn into a criminal one of these days.”
Do any of these scenarios sound familiar? I would venture to say that we all have (or have had) someone in our lives like this – who, rather than listening to what we say with compassion, seems to always try to find a way to one up our suffering.
Without even knowing it, they are playing “The Suffering Game,” which is a game where the winner is the one who either currently suffers or has suffered the most – a game that I certainly don’t want to win (or play).
This happened to me the other day when someone said that I had no idea what it meant to suffer – that I had never been through anything that terrible to warrant true suffering (at least not like they had). And, while it wasn’t actually said, it was implied that they could therefore never be as happy as I am because of all of that they’ve been through that I had never experienced.
At first, my reaction was that I wanted to defend myself. I wanted to step into the game and immediately go down to their level and start listing off all of the ways that I have suffered. I wanted to tell this person that they clearly knew nothing about me to even know how much pain I have endured throughout my life and to make them see that just because I don’t talk about it or focus on it or vent about it doesn’t mean that it isn’t there. I then started to get angry and wonder how dare they even pretend to know what I’ve gone through – how dare they assume this about me. I could feel myself getting more and more worked up.
But then I took a step back because I truly don’t want to bond with anyone on pain, nor do I want to compete with someone in this way (or any other way) and play this low-vibration game where everyone just ends up feeling worse by the end of it. It wasn’t easy not to speak up. And even now that I’m writing this, I am still fighting the urge to defend myself and get sucked into this game. I’m still having to stop myself from explaining to each of you how I truly have suffered.
But I won’t. Because I know that no good can come from playing “The Suffering Game.” Absolutely none.
I’m grateful that these conversations are few and far between for me since I have tightened my love bubble and really am conscious and choosy about who I let into it. I’m grateful that most of the conversations that I have are ones where we play “The Feel Good Game,” which is a game where we cheer each other on for all of our happiness and successes. It’s a game where love flows freely and where everyone wins every single time. That’s the game I want to play.
I know that it can be so easy for us to get pulled into games that we don’t want to play, especially when we feel the need to defend ourselves to someone else. But I also know how good it feels to rise above the games and simply focus on our own happiness and our own joy and our own life that flows more and more easily because of the conscious choices that we’re making. We all have the ability to go to a defeatist/victim/martyr place. And we also all have the ability to go to a loving/empowering/joy-filled place. I certainly know which place I want to hang out in. If anyone wants to play a game with me in the future, that’s where I’ll be. And we’ll all win.
Hugs,
P.S. – I have two exciting announcements about our 365 Book Series:
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Good morning, Jodi! Thank you for your inspiring words today. I could relate so well to what you’ve written here. Your post inspired one of my own. I know you are a busy lady, but if you’d like to have a read, here it is:
https://asthefateswouldhaveit.wordpress.com/2016/03/15/thoughts-on-the-games-people-play/
Have a blessed Tuesday!
~Lori~
Hi Lori!
I’m so glad this post resonated with you! I think that your post brings up a good point of really getting clear about our own energy and our own intentions about who we let into our love bubble. And I think so much of life is about choices – choosing what games to play and who to surround ourselves with. So glad you’re playing the “Feel Good Game” with me! XO
Thank you so much for this great post, Jodi! Just the reminder I needed, when the temptation to “bond on pain” about recent sufferings is strong. In my Buddhist practice, we give “experience” talks at our meetings: Instead of focusing on our “problems,” we focus on how we are in the process of achieving victories over our challenges. The nice thing is that this mindset does not preclude expressing when we do need the extra support as part of that process.
I decided that instead of detailing the reasons when they ask why I’ve appeared “sad” lately, my new response is “I’m determined to turn this into a Buddhist experience;” if they want to hear about it I’ll tell them what I’m doing to make my situation better. This is a far more constructive mindset for being able to turn “poison into medicine,” an integral concept in Nichiren Buddhism — using your inevitable sufferings as fuel for creating value of some sort. Thus, instead of wearing our sufferings as badges of honor, we see in them opportunities to foster greater empathy and compassion for people who are dealing with similar struggles, and also increasing our capacity to actually help them.
Thank you for your insight, Karla! I love the idea of experience talks. I find that it’s so important to honor wherever we are, and so this is a beautiful way to do that from a place of growth and also compassion. Big hug!
Hi Jodi,
As I was reading this, a thought came up about what a strong pull these conversations have on me, and about how often I can feel that tension when someone is inviting me into the ‘game’.
And so I found it helpful to read about your own struggle, and how sometime you have to work to not get caught up as well.
It seems an important and helpful first step to acknowledge that difficulty, because we are constantly being encouraged to interact in this way. Knowing that highlights how important it is to find a way to relate differently so we can all meet in that more ‘loving/empowering/joy-filled place.’
Such a helpful post, thank you.
Thanks for your comment, Dave! I’m so glad this post resonated with you as well. You’re absolutely right that if we aren’t conscious of it, we can easily be pulled into the game without even realizing it. And so, like so much else in our lives, awareness is key. Much love to you!