treeIn the last couple of weeks, one of my worst fears has been realized several times over.

When something happens once, I tend to let it blow by me. When it happens twice, I start to pay a little closer attention. And when it happens again and again and yet again, I realize that this is something big for me to really look at and learn from.

All of my life, I have lived in fear of people being mad at me, and I tend to do everything in my power to make sure that rarely happens. It’s why I’ve withheld my truth far more than I care to admit, why I’ve stayed in relationships far longer than I should have, and why I’ve stayed at jobs far longer than I wanted to.

I grew up in an environment where I was the peacemaker – trying to keep the entire family together and content. I became the master at diffusing potentially volatile situations and, at a very young age, became hypervigilant toward people’s emotions and actions – doing whatever I could to make sure I wasn’t in the line of fire and hopefully would be able to put all fires out before they even began.

This strategy worked for the most part, and even though it oftentimes took quite a bit of energy to stay this aware of others and of my surroundings, it seemed worth it if no one was angry with me.

Through the years, though, I realized that I was so busy trying to make sure everyone else was happy with me that I forgot to check in with myself and see if I was happy (which I often wasn’t). I became so tired of anticipating everyone’s potential reactions to my actions that I completely exhausted myself.

So, I started standing up for myself – at first in small ways and then in larger ways. And I saw that, even though it was horribly painful to do so, the cost of not speaking my truth became far greater than ruffling some feathers. While I usually felt lighter and more self assured after the anger settled, I still found myself resisting speaking my truth in the future. I still had this huge piece of me who still wanted everyone to love me and to be happy with me – no matter what keeping the peace was doing to my own soul.

Over the past few weeks, several instances have happened where people have been angry with me for various reasons. I felt like no matter what I did, I couldn’t get it right. While one person was over-the-moon happy with my actions, another was extremely upset by them. Each time someone reacted in anger, my initial reaction was to panic and immediately do whatever I could to make them love me again and be happy with me again. This was followed by my desire to withdraw, feeling that if I couldn’t make everyone happy all of the time, then maybe it was best if I just retreated from everything for awhile. And then, thankfully, my soul showed up and helped me see that all of this happening at once was a beautiful gift of freedom that had been given to me.

I realized that living in fear of other people’s reactions is completely fruitless and absolutely exhausting. I realized that I could do everything “right” (as far as I could tell from my own perspective), and still someone could be upset. And I realized that there is such freedom in this. Because it allows me the freedom to simply live my life in the best way I can and not worry about anyone else. I know that I am a good person. I know that I never would intentionally hurt someone. And I know that by trying not to hurt anyone else, I have ended up hurting myself, which I’m no longer okay with.

So, while I still don’t feel comfortable knowing that others are angry with me, I am going to do my best to allow them to be wherever they are and allow myself to be okay with that. I am going to do my best to focus on whether I am making myself happy, whether I am showing up in the world as someone that I am proud of, and whether I can feel good about myself and my actions. And if the answer to each of these is yes, then I will feel at peace. And that is all that I’m looking for.

Today, for the first time in a long while, I feel like I can breathe again. I feel my own strength – like a deeply rooted tree, one that can bend with the breeze but will never break. I am rooted in love, and that is more powerful than anything else.

For the first time in awhile, I feel strong, and I feel free. And that feels amazing.

Hugs,

jodi

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