I hardly slept last night. 

Before going to sleep, I did everything “right” to insure that I would sleep soundly:

  • I closed all screens two hours before winding down.
  • I played a game of Backgammon with my sweetie, which we have done every night for many years.
  • I took my herbal sleeping remedy.
  • I had a light snack with protein, carb, and fat. (Perfect for my adrenal glands.)
  • I took a warm bath with epsom salt and lavender.
  • I read a bit in my novel while two of my three cats snuggled with me.
  • I turned on the air conditioning, making the bedroom nice and cool.
  • I closed the curtains so the room was pitch black.
  • I covered up my digital clock so I wouldn’t fixate on the time.
  • I turned on my white noise machine.
  • I rubbed some AdrenaCalme on my wrists.

I do each of these things every night, and usually they send me into a deep slumber for many hours.

But not last night. I could feel my mind swirling and my heart racing and my body tensing and my adrenals on high alert.

At some point in the early hours of the morning I realized something: I had done everything I could to make sure the externals were just right, but I had forgotten to check in with my internal self, which was all scattered and stressed and flustered and filled with worry. 

Normally, all of these external practices are enough. Normally, I am able to fall asleep within minutes of turning off the lights. Normally, I’m able to slow down my mind enough and release all of the day’s events in order to fall asleep.

But not last night.

One of the things that I’ve found with adrenal fatigue is that things that may seem like normal everyday stressors seem almost insurmountable and larger than life. Because my system has been on overdrive for so long, I have very little reserves to be able to handle any stress that comes into my world. And so, things that may have been small before appear extremely large. And things that may have been medium before can send my entire body into a tizzy.

One of those medium stressors happened yesterday: I found out that someone was using one of my products on their site without my knowledge or consent, which was very upsetting and hurtful. I went through the proper measures to put a stop to it, which worked. But then they wrote to me – pleading that I retract the complaint – saying that they weren’t aware that it was mine and that their business would now suffer. I went from feeling hurt and violated to feeling bad for this person and not wanting to ruin their life in the process of protecting myself.

So, while I was supposed to be sleeping, I instead tossed and turned – ruminating about this person and worrying about how it could all be resolved in a loving, peaceful way where we both felt seen and heard.

This feeling that I had of feeling bad for the person who hurt me was familiar: it was how I felt as a child – growing up with a stepdad who had the ability to turn everything around and make me feel like I was always at fault. He could say something horrible to me, and within minutes I would find myself apologizing to him.

While I was awake in bed last night, these long-lost feelings of powerlessness and confusion flooded into my body and pulsed through my veins. I went right back to being a little girl – knowing what I knew to be true, but then questioning it and stuffing my feelings around it – feeling ashamed for being angry in the first place and then feeling bad for any suffering I caused as a result of my anger. These feelings also tied into being molested and knowing that it was wrong but having it all turned around into me thinking that it was somehow my fault. I knew that I been violated, but I became so confused and unsure of myself.

I was watching an Abraham-Hicks DVD the other night where a woman was asking Abraham how to let go of a similar traumatic childhood experience. And Abraham said that this experience helped her gain strength and really learn to stand up for herself. Abraham asked her if she would be as vulnerable if a similar situation happened today. And she replied that of course not – she would protect and stand up for herself. She was an adult now, and she wouldn’t let herself be violated again. And in realizing that, she noticed how strong she was and how free she was – how much distance she had been able to put between what happened so long ago and where she was right here in this moment.

And last night, while lying awake and thinking all of this through, I realized that – in a small way – this current copyright violation was helping me see just how far I’ve come as well. I could send love to the person who did it, accept their apology, and take them at their word that they didn’t know any better. But I could do this while, at the same time, protecting myself and my creations. I didn’t have to retract anything because I didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t have to apologize for standing up for myself. I did what I felt was right, and I am proud that I protected myself in this way.

When I woke up this morning, I was tired, of course. But I was also grateful that I was able to process all of this deep emotional baggage last night – I could now see what was at the root of this restlessness and know how to move forward and let it go in the most loving way. 

I feel pretty confident that I’ll be able to sleep tonight, now that these emotions have been dug up and released into the light. But if not, I’ll know that there’s more that needs healing, and I’ll do my best to welcome the awakeness – knowing that it’s helping me to process all of this old stuff that is ready to be released.

Our bodies are so wise. And my body knew that it was more important that I take a night to process all of this – to find peace with all of this. And that’s worth several nights of sleep just to feel that calmness in my body again. Which I am feeling right now.

Hugs,

jodi

 

Ready to Write Your Soulful Book? I Can Help!

Sign up for my free "Write Your Soulful Book in 2024" Workshop that's happening on Dec 12 at 3 pm pst!

You have Successfully Subscribed!