I’ve been wanting to write a new post here for several days. I would open up a “New Post page” and wait for inspiration to come. And wait. And wait. And wait some more. And yet nothing came. I felt like I was trying to force something rather than simply allowing myself to honor where I was.
I just wasn’t in a place where I felt that I could inspire and uplift and shine light. I’ve had a rough few days, to be completely honest – some of the lowest that I can remember in quite awhile. And every time I would come here to write, I would hear my soul say that the time wasn’t right. I wanted to have a new post up because that’s the way I always did it. That was the plan. I’m learning, though, that plans are oftentimes meant to be broken.
I shared a few days ago on Facebook that I received some less than positive lab tests about my adrenal fatigue, which felt completely deflating and disheartening. At the same time, I’ve been bracing myself for this month for the past year because it marks a year since my sweet dog-ter, Xena, passed away.
I could barely sleep for two nights in a row – tossing and turning and finding myself in some of the darkest places that I’ve visited in quite some time. I could feel myself spiraling downward and completely giving in to sadness and despair. I’ve spent the last several days crying harder than I have in months – releasing all of this pressure and strain and heartache and sadness that I’ve been carrying for so, so long. With each tear, I felt a little lighter – I felt like I was just a little bit closer to coming home to my soul.
Looking back now, it makes perfect sense why I couldn’t write. I needed that time to go within and process and heal and find my center again. I needed to focus inward rather than outward. I needed to fully experience the journey before I could share about the journey.
So I gave myself permission and space to fully immerse myself in this journey. And rather than offering love, I allowed myself to receive it. I asked for hugs and healing light, and they poured in so quickly and lovingly. And I remembered that it’s okay to step back from it all and simply be. It’s okay to let myself be wrapped in love rather than giving it all of the time. It’s okay to let others know that I’m hurting and feeling down and could use some extra TLC.
While there have been so many beautiful gifts that have arisen from this particular journey, the one that resonates the most in this moment is remembering that wherever we are is completely okay.
Rather than beating myself up for feeling sad or for feeling weak or for feeling like I can’t perform in the way I used to be able to, I’m learning to instead see all of this (the grief, the fatigue, the feelings of powerlessness and despair) as a beautiful blessing and to honor them for helping me see exactly who I am and what I am and where I am why I am and how I am. Each of these emotions is helping to bring me home to me – to my true self. And so each of them is completely okay.
I love knowing that I don’t have to rush this process. I love knowing that I have all of the time in the world to sit with where I am and to honor it. I love knowing that each experience contains many nuggets of wisdom that I will keep with me forever. I love knowing that even in my darkest hours, I am still able to step away from it for a moment or two and remember how grateful I am for this experience. I love knowing that I am expanding into who I have always been and who I came here to be by allowing myself to feel each of these emotions rather than brush over them. I love knowing that I am surrounded by a beautiful love bubble of supportive friends who love me for me – who don’t put conditions around their love and who want nothing more than for me to be exactly where I am. I love knowing that no matter where I am and no matter how I feel, I am always perfectly okay. I love knowing that I am always part of a loving self and loving world and loving life.
We all go through these ups and downs – that’s part of our life experience. And what I would wish for each of us is to give ourselves permission to sit with these moments – slow them down and really honor them while we’re there. There is no need to rush through them simply because they are uncomfortable or because we feel that we don’t have time to examine them. We don’t have to judge ourselves for them but rather love ourselves extra because of them. The more we can honor where we are and really believe that wherever that is is truly okay, the fuller and deeper our life experience becomes.
And we definitely all deserve that. I know that for sure.
Hugs,
Thanks for sharing Jodi. I hope you feel better soon. It is so true that wherever we are really is okay. It’s what we need for the next moment.
I loved this article you wrote–Jodi. I have been trying very hard to stay in the present moment, and this was exactly what you were doing. You do have many people who love and support you, they accept you just as you are. I am deeply grateful to you for sharing your story–it makes me feel less alone to know we all have our ups and downs.
You´re a wise lady, Jodi… It makes no sense to try and repeat our routines and accomplish our schedule, if our Soul is simply NOT THERE! But letting sorrow and/or anger and/or desperation come out, flowing with them (instead of fighting against them) is in my opinion the most effective way to heal and move on. Thanks for sharing this feelings with us, your sweetness and honesty do indeed enlighten the path of many of us who are also facing “the dark nights of the Soul” (as a dearest friend of mine call them).
Warmest hugs and blessings,
K.
Thank you for listening to your body and soul, Jodi, and then for sharing these words when it felt right to do so. It’s such a beautiful, and timely, reflection!
I have found that the current space you are describing is the space of abundant blessings, miracles and heart connections – and I am learning to savor the space instead of attempting to rush through it. My challenge is remembering that rest is a power tool and learning to not judge myself or compare my flow of creative expression to others who are not in similar space.
This is such a beautiful piece on deep self-acceptance. Having aversion for our emotions just makes it all the worse.
I’m so sorry your news about your health wasn’t what you expected. How wonderful that you have a whole year ahead to refresh yourself. When I first discovered I had adrenal fatigue, I didn’t pause! I kept pushing. You are so courageous to be willing to slow down and even stop at times.
Thank you for sharing your journey in this inspiring post :-). I completely agree that we cannot rush through the grieving process and inner healing. When my fur friend passed away last summer I found a lot of peace in nature. I was looking for ways to get myself into a more quiet place, and to be honest it was Mary Reynolds Thompson’s book that really helped me through this process. It’s called, Reclaiming the Wild Soul. The author shows you how to reclaim your soul and place in the great community of rivers, forests, peaks, and pastures. You can find her website here: http://maryreynoldsthompson.com/
I enjoyed this one, too. After the loss of my best friend it was really hard to find peace. But the healing came day by day and after about a year I felt whole again. Thank you for recommending Mary’s book, Audrey. I will check that out.
You’re welcome, Amy. I know you’ll love this book :-).
I’m with you, Jodi. It’s so exhausting to force ourselves to go when we need to rest (and vice versa). There is such a beautiful simplicity to saying “I will take care of you” to ourselves but somehow we all make the same mistake over and over, don’t we? We don’t listen. I think that is the path – listening sooner and sooner. And forgiving ourselves the whole way. Thank you, as always, for your vulnerability and kindness.
Thanks for sharing Jodi and I am sorry to hear about your health but you will be alright in the end. You have a wonderful heart and a love for others and thing around you that you will never be without love.
It is always good to share our pain as the communities we’ve build will help us all during those difficult times.
It is always good to take time to grieve. Grieving is good for the mind body and soul. My grandmother always says a good cry is a complete cleansing of the inner person.
We are here for you and will be with you always.
It’s more than ok… it’s perfectly ordered and right. I love to remember this when I’m struggling against what is. I just finished reading Mike Dudley’s new book and I think you’d love it. Wishing you health and happiness in the new year. xoxo