downloadAfter recently watching a wonderful documentary called Mortified Nation (where willing participants go on stage and read from their teenage journals), I took a trip down memory lane and read through my old journals. My first entry was when I was 10, and let’s just say that I wasn’t happy with my brother at the time (a theme that continued through many of the entries). 🙂

I continued to write regularly throughout my teenage years and well into my twenties. I used my journal as a space to vent my frustrations, share my feelings, and express my truest self. I treated my journal as my confidante, my best friend. It was the only place that I felt safe enough to show up as the “real me.” On the outside, I was always the happy one, the outgoing on, the confident one. And I felt that my journal was the only place I could go to share the turmoil that I was truly experiencing on the inside.

As a teenager, I used to write from deep inside the closet in my bedroom. I wanted to make it as private as I possibly could. It was an amazing space with a secret cubby on the other side of my clothes – perfect for getting in touch with how I was feeling.

I wrote a lot of the typical things that any young girl would write about: feeling insecure about boys, drama with friends, what I was going to wear the next day…

But I also found a deeper part of myself within the writing – a wise, soulful part that was helping to guide me through some difficult moments. I wrote about what it was like to see my young cousin’s body at her funeral, which was my first experience with death. I wrote how I felt when my parents were constantly fighting: sad, powerless, angry, hopeless, scared. I wrote about feeling the need to be perfect – knowing that the pressure to do so was coming from me. I wrote about my own shame about being abandoned by my father – constantly wondering what was wrong with me to make him want to leave. I wrote a lot about feeling sick – I frequently had a fever or a cold and would stay home from school and write in my journal. I wrote about being my stepdad’s confidante and how hard that was to be put in that role at such an early age. I wrote about fearing that I didn’t know much of anything at all and feeling constantly afraid and anxious about my future.

Looking back through these years and years and books and books of entries helped me see that I’ve always been sensitive and empathetic and cared about others. And I’ve always been introspective and emotional and resilient.

It also highlighted patterns that I’m so happy to have worked through and stopped repeating (such as looking for love where it wasn’t available and bottling up my feelings until I thought I would burst), but it also shined the light on patterns that I’m still working to change – beliefs that run deep and have been perpetuated by unconscious repetition (such as pushing myself so hard that I get sick and wanting to please others and gain their approval even if that means hurting myself in the process).

Reading my heartfelt words from the past was like shining a light on my soul. I got to see the parts that I had forgotten about and bring light to the parts that it was time to pay attention to. I got to meet my younger self again. I got to see her from 20-30 years into the future and really feel her heart. I cried for her pain. I laughed at her silliness. And I relished each moment of it.

Going back down memory lane was such a gift in both recognition and clarity. I still see so much of myself in that young girl. I am that young girl and will always be. And yet, I am also a grown woman who has experienced so much life and lived and grown and will continue to live and grow.

Reading these words from the past was an invitation in self compassion. I really felt what I was feeling when I wrote each word. I was able to put myself back into that space and remember how lost I felt. And then I was able to transport myself into the present and be extra thankful that everything happened exactly how it was meant to.

In the documentary that I mentioned in the beginning of this post, the host frequently asks what each person would say to their younger self. And they usually say something like, “It’s all going to be okay.”

And it is. Always.

And I take so much comfort in that – especially seeing (and feeling) how alone I felt in my younger years and how much pressure I put on myself (and still continue to put on myself). To just know that it’s all working out. To embrace life. To have some fun. And to lighten up.

That’s what I’m taking away from this journaling journey, and it feels pretty amazing.

If you haven’t already watched this documentary, I highly recommend it. I know that you’ll be able to see yourself in some of the journal entries that are read. It doesn’t matter what our external circumstances were, we all felt the same insecurities and angst. Every single one of us. And knowing that (and admitting that) helps us connect on a deeper level and know that we are truly never alone. I love that.

Just a slight disclaimer: this movie can get a bit raw and raunchy at times because the participants are reading the uncensored journal entries. I feel that it’s what makes it even more identifiable though and even more relatable.

And if you decide to go down memory lane yourself and read through your old journals, please feel free to come back here and share some of the insights that came up for you! 

Hugs,

jodi

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