Several years ago, I read a book by Gay Hendricks called The Big Leap. In it, I was introduced to what he called our “Upper Limit Problem.”
He explains how each of us has an inner thermostat that determines how much goodness we will allow ourselves (such as love, happiness, positive feelings, etc.).
So what happens is when we go over our limit, we subconsciously bring ourselves back down in order to get back to our comfort zone. He goes on to say how our upper limit is usually set in childhood – well before we are even aware that it is happening.
As a child, I learned that too much happiness was bad.
My mom was always tired and worried and stressed, and I was constantly yelled at by my step-dad for laughing and for having fun. I was allowed to be happy to a point, but beyond that I was chastised.
If I had friends over, we would normally talk in whispers so as not to upset him. Unless we forgot (because we were kids), in which case he would scream at us to be quiet. (I eventually learned to go to their houses instead.)
He even had a rule that there was to be no laughing at the dinner table. If my sister and I did laugh, we would be sent to the laundry room. (This is where the cats ate, and he said that if we were going to behave like animals, we would eat with the animals.)
So I learned at a very young age that feeling joy wasn’t something I should want to have in my life – it was what got you in trouble.
After reading Gay’s book, I began to go through my life and notice the patterns throughout when I exceeded my happiness upper limit and needed to somehow bring myself back down to the known.
For example, when I was in college, I received a scholarship to study in France. I was so excited about this and couldn’t wait to go. But the month before I was scheduled to leave, I got so sick that I needed to be hospitalized and didn’t end up going.
When I was 19, I moved to New Mexico to attend college. For the first time in my life, I was living alone in my own apartment. I was so happy and felt like an adult. Just three months into this round of happiness, I got really sick and ended up having to move in with my mom.
When Dan and I first started dating, I was happier than I had ever been. I was in the clouds and my heart was full for the first time in my life. And just a few months into our relationship, I was in a horrible car accident – the impact of which I still feel 13 years later.
Throughout my life, I have subconsciously used illness in one form or another to bring me down into the known when I have felt “too happy.” It’s a pattern that has been with me since I was a child, and I just realized that it is still continuing.
I have been so, so happy about the Soulful Life Sanctuary. It’s my home away from home. It’s my heart, my soul, my life. It’s a culmination of everything that I have wanted to share, and it’s such a beautifully loving space. I feel such a sense of inner contentment and joy and elation and groundedness each time I’m there (which is quite often).
I have been flying so far off the ground in a loving state of bliss for the last few weeks, which has been amazing. Yesterday, however, I received some medical news that brought me right back down to the ground – that completely took the wind out of my sails. I had some moles biopsied that came back as precancerous, which means I have to have them removed and go in every three months from now on. Upon first hearing this, I was shocked and scared and felt utterly defeated.
And then I remembered (with Dan’s help) this whole upper-limit concept, which made so much sense.
I saw that this was a pattern that I’ve repeated throughout my life. And I realized that I get to decide when it stops. I get to decide if I’m going to raise my upper limit and allow myself to feel happiness. I get to decide if I’m ready to release this conditioning that I learned as a child and take back my life as an adult.
And I’m ready, so ready, to do that right now.
Because I am no longer okay with allowing someone else’s beliefs to have any bearing on how I live my life. I am no longer okay with giving away my power to someone else. And I am no longer okay with bringing myself back to the floor anytime I feel happy and full of joy.
I want my upper limit to have no upper limit. I want it to reach higher than the sky – to be completely limitless.
Because I know how powerful our thoughts and beliefs are, I know that this is something that I can change. I know it.
And I’m so grateful for this wake-up call. It has helped me see that my upper limit was much, much lower than I realized or than I want. And now that I am aware, I can do something about it – I can raise it.
And that feels pretty great.
If you haven’t read Gay’s book, I highly recommend that you do. Whether you have read it or not though, I would love to hear how you’re planning on raising your own upper limits in the comments below.
We are all so powerful. The first step for changing any part of our lives is being aware. And recognizing where our upper limits are is a great way to break through them.
We all deserve to be happy. Really. And I’m definitely ready to claim this birthright. I hope you are, too.
Hugs,
I understand exactly what you mean with this article.
5 years ago, I was aiming for business growth and financial security when I was diagnosed with a melanoma. My whole perspective of what was important to me changed.
I agree that we each need to decide what is important to us and work our way to raising our own limits.
Jodi, I am so open to what you shared and I feel that in some way most of us have not arrived at our upper limit.
I would like to offer you my service as a gift if you feel guided to accept. I have no idea how to contact you privately, and really hope that this post can be deleted.
You really brought up something that I am taking a look at for myself.
Love you Jodi,
Radavie
Jodi,
What a wonderful piece of knowledge we should all come to understand. As I reflect back to my childhood, I can see exactly what you mean. Our subconscious impulses are so powerful. Thanks for the reminder about what we limit ourselves with and then to have the courage to change it.
Wonderful post Jodi. I didn’t read the book but familiar with the upper-limit concept. It has followed through my life: upper-limit on happiness, love and most recently health. After healing from all sorts of conditions I have to remember: I deserve to be healthy before putting some sort of an upper-limit BS on myself and create a problem. In my experience it requires work to fight upper-limits: remembering that I deserve and being super conscious when I act or fear otherwise!
Thank you for this post. Loved it. I did read the book a few years ago, but still have not been able to expand my upper limit much. And I do the repeated pattern you mentioned of having something terrible happen if things are going too well (as if there is such a thing!). Anyway, still working on it, but I think because it was instilled preverbally that it’s embedded in my subconscious, and I would love to hear any tips you have in how to breakthrough even more. Thank you again.
Oh Jodi, this made tears spring to my eyes! — “I want my upper limit to have no upper limit. I want it to reach higher than the sky – to be completely limitless.”
Yes me too, there is really nothing else to do, is there?
Thank you, my beloved friend, for writing (as always) from your big big heart.
Blessed be,
Sue
Oh wow – such a powerful post, and an even more powerful realization behind it. Although I’m sorry you received jolting medical news, I’m SO happy it’s led you to reclaim your power and your right to limitless joy. You are so worthy of absolute happiness, my friend! And I know you’ll jump over this medical hurdle and be healthier, happier and freer (is that a word? – more FREE) than ever. <3
Jodi, I thought I’d commmented when I shared this on Twitter the other day, but I can’t see the comment I left, so I’m going to try again.
Like Sue, your comment about wanting your upper limit to have no upper limit really resonated with me. Thank you – as always – for reminding me of what I most need to know any any given moment 🙂
Blessings
TANJA
Great post, Jodi. I will definitely get myself a copy of that book, seems like just the thing I need right now.
Thank you for sharing this. Stay strong and happy!
One of the biggest wake up calls I had came about 4 years ago. I was in my car, getting home after being out shopping. It was a Saturday, a spring afternoon with perfect warm weather, and I was blasting a favorite song in the car. I was feeling pretty good. But suddenly I experienced this shift in moods. I became embarrassed and ashamed of myself. I turned down the music in the car and then turned it off. I was sitting there in silence for a moment when I had my realization. It felt bad to feel good! Hard to believe, but it was so true. I just sat and contemplated this revelation. Where did this come from? Why couldn’t I just enjoy my song in the car on a sunny afternoon?
I had already been doing some personal transformation work but I think it was really then that I really ramped up my efforts in that regard. Since then I take every moment to say an affirmation, to tell myself something positive. To re-train myself to feel happy and accepting of myself. To un-program all the conditioning and programming that I had gone through.
It has taken effort, but it’s been worth it! As you say, we all deserve to be happy – to accept ourselves and love ourselves, without shame or embarrassment. The path of transformation has become something I now have so much passion for. I don’t see myself as perfect or quite yet where I want to be, but the fun is in the journey! The ups and downs, the releasing of emotions and old patterns. But I see now where I’m headed and I see that I’m getting there.
Grateful for the opportunity to share. Eric
““I want my upper limit to have no upper limit. I want it to reach higher than the sky – to be completely limitless.”
ohhhhh … THIS. A thousand fold.
Going back to the book. Thank you for the nudge, glorious one.
Bliss-ings
the goddess known as Jacqui
Jodie, thank you so much for your post.
All too often as young children, what has happened or said to us makes lasting impressions.
You deserve so much happiness and I wish and pray that for you.
Thank you for sharing this post Jodie. I’ve not come across this book before – but what you write about really resonates with me. It has certainly made me realise that I also have set myself an upper limit which I wasn’t aware of – thank you xx – I found you via the Leonie D Academy. xx