This post is dedicated to my sweet dog-ter, Xena,
who passed away at the age of 14 on December 17th.
When we first said hello
On a spring day in 2003, I saw a ball of fluff bounding up to me out of the corner of my eye. You were an energetic, beautiful, vibrant dog with the sweetest smile that I’d ever seen. You jumped into my arms right away, and I knew that you were something special.
We had just moved to this isolated road in the middle of the New Mexican mountains. Such majestic, rugged surroundings. And you happened to live across the street. What a blessing.
You were right at home in the mountains. You had complete freedom. You ran and played and never knew what the inside of a home was like. You went where you wanted when you wanted, and, lucky for us, you usually wanted to be right where we were.
I never felt such a connection to a dog before. I never wanted to be around a dog as much as I wanted to be around you. I couldn’t be close enough. Couldn’t possibly smother you with kisses enough. Couldn’t love you enough.
You were so wise and had such kind eyes. “Our Buddha Dog,” we called you.
We saw you every day for many years. We loved you. We played with you. We took walks with you. We bonded with you. We became a family.
And then everything changed. Dan got into graduate school, and we were moving to California. We cried about leaving you. We asked if we could bring you with us.
We prayed that you could come. But the timing wasn’t right. You had never been inside. You had your Xuxa to play with. You had your freedom. And we didn’t have the final say.
When we first said goodbye (for now)
So we left, and it broke our hearts. We knew we would be back in a few months to visit. But we also knew that it wouldn’t be the same.
And it wasn’t.
We put your picture on our shelf – front and center. We cried and cried that we had to leave you. We imagined that you were with us and that we were a family again. We told everyone we met about you.
We showed them your picture. We shared how special you were to us and how empty our hearts were without you. We wished upon all of the stars that we could find a way to all be together again.
And our wish came true.
When we next said hello
In 2007, we came to visit and found out that your beloved sister, Xuxa, had just died. We found out that you started running onto the highway. And we were asked if we wanted to bring you home after all.
!!! !!! !!!
We canceled our flight, rented a car, bought a dog bed and some food, and began our adventure of smothering you daily with love, love, and more love.
You had to learn how to be a house dog. You had to learn how to walk on a leash. You had to learn how to live with ridiculously overprotective parents. You had to learn how to not have complete freedom and still be okay with it.
And you were so smart. And so patient. And also so stubborn. 🙂 You were absolutely perfect.
We were so grateful that we got to spend our days snuggling up to your warm, fluffy fur. We were so excited when you learned new tricks and ate your first bone and barked at the mailman.
We loved how your eyebrows had at least a million different expressions, and we learned what each of these expressions meant. We laughed that you were afraid of the camera and kitchen sounds and pretty much every inside noise – knowing that you had never heard any of them before.
We were amazed at how quickly you ate your food – in just a few gulps. And we were so proud of how smart you were when we would hide your bone, and you would always find it and hold it up above your head and run outside with it.
We were so, so grateful for each moment with you. For each year with you. For each birthday that we celebrated with you. For each hug that we gave you. For each paw up that you gave us, letting us know that we weren’t done loving you.
And we knew that our time together couldn’t last forever. We knew it.
But we still hoped for a miracle when your health declined. And we got it. We got six more magical months with you. We got to get in extra snuggles and extra love. We got to tell you a million more times how much we loved you and how thankful we were for you.
When we said goodbye (for now)
And then you were gone.
So quickly. So suddenly. So soon. So abruptly.
And here we are. In shock. Completely lost. So devastated.
But still in love. Always in love.
Because love doesn’t end the second your heart stopped beating. Love doesn’t end the moment you took your last breath. Our love doesn’t end. Ever. It goes on and on and on and on. Forever.
And I see you in my dreams. And I feel you are still here and also still in New Mexico. I feel you loving me. And I know you feel me loving you.
I will love you forever and ever and ever.
And I know that we’re still together – it’s just different. But the love is still there. It’s always there.
Just like you’re always there. And I’m always here. Loving you.
Oh, how I love you, sweet Xena Ballerina Pie Head.
Thank you for loving me and for opening my heart and for being exactly who we needed exactly when we needed you.
Thank you for being the greatest gift that I have ever been given. And for giving me the greatest gift that I’ve ever received: your everlasting, purely unconditional, always sweet love.
I will love you forever.
Mama
It makes me happy to ready this as much as it makes me sad. Beautiful memorial. And I love that she has many names. A well loved family member.
Thank you so much, Arwen. Big hug to you.
Holding you, Dan and the spirit of Xena to the light in thoughts and prayers!
Hugs
Thank you so much, Elsie. That means the world to us. Hugs!
What a wonderful tribute to a beloved four legged family member. That is the greatest gift to give a loved pet – to love and care for them knowing their life is shorter than ours and that one day we will have to say goodbye and grieve our loss. But even knowing that, letting them into our hearts and falling in love with them anyway. What a lucky dog Xena was(is). You are right…love never dies. Bless you and Xena.
Thank you, Ginny, for your sweet words. We’re taking them into our hearts. Big hug.
A beautiful tribute to a cherished and amazing dog, Jodi. Love and prayers!
Thank you for your love, Martha. Hugs!
So sorry for your loss.. I so understand.
Big huge hugs.
ChaCha
Thank you so much, ChaCha. Big hug to you, too.
Oh Jodi, such a beautiful story. You were brought together for a reason, and that reason was unconditional, endless love. I love that you call her your “dog-ter”! We feel the exact same way about our furbabies. They are priceless and irreplaceable and loved like no other. Your Xena is beside you always in spirit and will always be a part of your hearts and souls. My tears for your loss mingle with the joy I feel at your connection with your beautiful baby. Hugs.
Thank you so much for your heartfelt words, Laurie. They mean so much. Hugs.
Jodi, I feel for you so much, as an empath I cried reading this. I rarely comment in anyone’s blog. I too feel so deeply for my furry kids. I felt and feel exactly the same as I have lost several of my elderly pampered house cats whom I loved deeply after 14, and 16 years. It just doesn’t get easier either. My heart goes out to you and Dan over your loss. I now find myself once again with cats who are getting older and it makes me sad to think once again of these things, but alas it’s the circle of life… You just have to love them as much as you can while they are with you, I can see from your beautiful pictures what a full and wonderful life you all had together, you will be together again one day. XO blessings, Jodie
Thank you so much, Jodie. I’m so sorry for your losses, too. It’s just so hard, isn’t it? Big hug to you and to your sweet ones. Hugs.
Such a sad, sweet, poignant memorial Jodi!
Glad to see I’m not the only one who sees my dog as a kid. I’m still trying to figure out why I can’t take her into restaurants with me. 🙂 Just kidding – but I wish I could!
Hugs Xena! (She’s still with you – yes. And with my Gracie Bean. Bet they’re having a great time while they wait for us to come join them!) xoxox
Thank you, Merry! I love thinking about Xena hanging out with Gracie Bean – I’m sure they’re having tons of fun together. Hugs!
Okay, my heart feels like it is going to burst out of my chest! I am not sure how I got onto this website and this post but any dog (God spelled backwards!) lover knows what you must be feeling! It is sad and beautiful at the same time. I know that the love of a dog is fleeting but so worth it! I say this while my ten year old pug, who has had some health issues this past year, and my daughter’s chihuahua (rescued from a parking lot in Alabama) are laying with me. The snoring is loud and the cozy feeling of their warmth is immeasurable! I LOVE my girl first and Coco second. I often babysit Coco when I look after the my grandsons or when she is all alone for a period of time. But I see the gray hairs taking over what used to be a sleek black. My girl has gone from being a crazy black pug to a gray one who does not have the same energetic, mischievous and sparkly personality that she used to. And that seemed only yesterday! But she is still her and our souls are still so connected. My heart knows that one day she will cross the rainbow bridge and break my heart as well.
So sister, my heart is with you and breaks for the pain of separation you so eloquently expressed here. All the love and healing my heart can muster ( and that’s a lot) I wish upon you and the rest if your family….xoxox
Thank you so much for your loving words, Jeanette. Please give my love to your sweet baby and your daughter’s, too. They fill up our hearts in such huge ways. Hugs to you.
I know the sorrow, pain and memories that are going thru you, For I too lost my Beautiful Baby Siberian Husky of 16 years this year, She was my best friend, companion. Every word you spoke are my emotions, My Heart still aches to this day for my best friend, She was and always will be my greatest gift that was given to me. I am so sorry for your loss..
Thank you so much for your loving words, Dennis. I’m so very sorry to hear about your loss. I feel the same way about Xena – she is the greatest gift that I ever received, and she will always be in my heart. I know you can relate to this as well. Big, big hug to you.
Beautiful, heart-warming, lovely tribute. I feel with you, we recently lost Sophie who was with us for 16 years. We have her daughter, Tootie (short for Antoinette), but Sophie’s presence is greatly missed. If you like, you can read my tribute to her here:
http://ifadwa.weebly.com/1/post/2013/07/my-not-wonderful-for-today.html
xxx
Fadwa
Thank you so much, Fadwa. I’m so sorry for your loss. Maybe Xena and Sophie are hanging out together – waiting for us. It’s just so hard. Sending you a huge hug.
Sending you love and support right now.
What a tremendous gift to have experienced such a deep, profound love.
Thank you for your love, Naomi. Hugs to you.
What a beautiful love story. I know how hard it is to say goodbye but what a blessing to have experienced such an unconditional love. Sending you a big hug.
Thank you so much, Andrea. Yes, you’re absolutely right that it was such a blessing to have spent so many years with such a bright light. Hugs.
Crying! What a beautiful story, I can hardly see to type after reading it. Love the photos of you all together. I have a 17 year old cat and I panic over every little sneeze or missed meal. The vet tells me he’s completely healthy but I don’t take any single moment for granted. It’s so sad they have to leave us but we are blessed to have them at all xx
Thank you for your love, Leanne. I’m so glad you are enjoying each moment with your sweet one. The time with them flies by, as I’m sure you know. Give him a big hug from me.
What a beautiful love letter. I too am crying after reading it, and am so sad for your loss. I feel so blessed every day that my dog Bailey is with me, and will hug him extra tight tonight. May your heartache be eased with every passing day.
Thank you so much for your love, Laurie. Big hugs to Bailey.