There’s a word that gets thrown around quite a bit in personal growth circles, in therapy sessions, and in conscious living centers. It’s a word that tends to bring about a visceral reaction in most people.
For me, when I hear it, I often feel my throat burn and my chest tighten. For others, they may feel their stomach clench and their heart hurt. It’s a word that we’ve heard we must use and practice. And still, it’s a practice that we often resist.
The word that I’m talking about is Forgiveness.
Yes, that one.
We each have a few key people in our lives that we could probably stand to forgive. These are the people whose names carry a charge or emotional response when you think about them. These are the people who are still actively a part of your life, even if you cut ties with them years ago.
I have a few that fit this category, and I’ve been doing my own forgiveness work around them. Not because I condone what they did, but because I want to be free of the pain surrounding it.
The person at the top of my list is my stepdad. Yesterday would have been his 65th birthday. (He died eight years ago.) Our relationship has caused me the most pain in my life. The remnants of it sent me into living in the shadows and trying to pick up the pieces for the past 20 years. As a child, he was my biggest cheerleader. He constantly praised me and said that I could become anything I wanted. He loved me immensely. I was his favorite child, and he let me know that over and over again. My own dad had left, and so I soaked up this attention from my new dad. He took the attention too far though and molested me. And my young mind and heart couldn’t figure out how to separate the positive praise from the feelings of shame.
I cut off contact with him when I turned 18, and I only saw him once before he died – at my sister’s wedding. He came up to me, with tears in his eyes, and said he was sorry. And then he fell over because he was too drunk to stand.
I spent many years being angry – so angry – at him. I spent many years hiding in shame and feeling less than. Every relationship that I had was affected by this shame. Every piece of my self esteem was tied up somehow in the relationship that we had.
I spent many years punishing myself. My body didn’t know what to do with these heavy emotions, and so it manifested as physical illness for the better part of 20 years. I felt like I was being suffocated by the anger and the self hatred and the feelings of not being worthy and the deep shame that I felt.
And then I found forgiveness. And I was so reluctant to forgive him. He didn’t deserve it, I would think. He ruined my life, I would say to myself. Let him suffer. And yes, he was suffering. But so was I.
And I finally got to the point just a few years ago when I decided that it was time to take back my life. I had given it to him for too many years, and I wanted to live again. I wanted to embrace it and truly live it. I wanted to be free of this pain, and I knew that the only way to the other side of it was to forgive him.
And so I started. Little by little, baby step by baby step. I started feeling gratitude for all of the good times that we shared together. I started to piece together every happy memory that I had with him. Not to dismiss the negative memories, but to humanize him and show that he wasn’t evil. He was a person who made a mistake.
I was able to forgive him because I remembered what his childhood was like. I knew that he had also been abused. I knew that if he had known better, he would have done better. And I knew that everything he did was out of love. It wasn’t right and it wasn’t healthy, but it was done out of love.
And while I’m still healing from this relationship, I can say that I no longer hold deep anger for him. I have forgiven him, and I have wished him well on the journey he’s currently on – wherever he is.
Without this experience, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. I wouldn’t be as empathetic to another’s pain. I wouldn’t be as sensitive to another’s needs. And even if I could go back and change it, I wouldn’t. I trust that this experience helped me grow into who I have become, and I love myself enough to not want who I am to be any different.
So yesterday was a sad day, but also one to be aware of how much forgiveness I’ve truly done around this relationship. I was able to honor his life – the good parts that I can take away from our time together. And I continued my practice of forgiveness for the parts that still carry a negative charge. I was also able to honor myself for continuing to delve into my emotions and sift through them in order to heal and allow myself to shine.
If you are carrying pain that you would like to let go of, I definitely recommend giving forgiveness a try. And rather than just think about it, treat it like the verb that it is and take action. Do whatever you need to do to set yourself free and set this person free (as long as it’s for the higher good of everyone). You don’t have to hold onto this pain any longer. There is another way: to release it and be free. And if you’ve tried it before and didn’t feel any different, I would encourage you to try again. I’ve found that the pain isn’t released overnight, but it will begin to dissipate. And eventually, you’ll see that it has no hold over you at all.
I would love for you to join me in practicing forgiveness, and then allowing yourself to feel the freedom that comes once you release that pain that you’ve been carrying. You deserve to feel joyful and free. You don’t need to carry this for a second longer. You really don’t.
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Hugs,
Wow, your timing is fantastic with this post. I’m doing a little of the old ‘F’ word myself at the moment, and I totally resonate with this. By holding onto past hurts we only hurt ourselves in the long run, forgiveness is the key, but it’s also a huge challenge. Thanks for the post Jodi x
Hi Heather,
I’m so glad it was helpful for you! Big hug as you work through your own forgiveness. XO
Your post depicts the essence and necessity of forgiveness. When we refuse to forgive, we only hurt ourselves, as your story reflects. I’m so glad you were able to forgive and truly begin living your life.
Blessings, Jodi!
Hi Martha,
Thank you so much for your sweet words! I’m so glad you’re a part of our community! Hugs to you!
I think the issue I’ve had with forgiveness is that most people tend to think it involves some sort of absolution of the person who wronged them. When, in fact, it has very little to do with them, and everything to do with my taking back the bits of me I gave to them. I was preyed on by my older brother from the moment I came into our home. And as we grew up, what began as his making me do things I didn’t want to do, developed into his molesting me until I was pregnant. There was no love shown to win me over. It was 100% about his need for control, and I was who he needed to control. I have found ways to take back my power and these days we get along pretty well. I have moved on from being angry all the time. (It’s been a long road). Now I see the real him. And unfortunately, he’s a bit pathetic. I wish that he would grow from this whole experience, but I doubt it will happen in this lifetime.
Hi Persephone,
I’m so, so sorry for what you went through. My heart aches for you. I am so glad to hear that you have begun to take back your power and move on from anger. You’re absolutely right – forgiveness has absolutely nothing to do with the other person. It’s about you being able to move on with love and grace and embrace your life again. And that is what I wish for you. Huge hug.
Thanks Jodi. These days, I’m actually in a very good space/ place. Namaste.
I commend you for having the courage to so honestly share your experiences! And my heart goes out to you. Thank you so much for this post. Very inspirational! Hugs. Heidi
Hi Heidi,
Thank you so much for your kind comment! Big hug to you!
In my life, the person I have found it most difficult to forgive is myself. I will not be so cruel to myself in future. Thanks Jodi x
Hi Llinos,
I agree that sometimes forgiving ourselves can be the hardest of all. This is honestly something that I’ve been focusing on, and it really comes down to self love, compassion, and warmth. It’s definitely a process, and I am sending us both healing love that we’ll be able to forgive ourselves fully very soon. Hugs!
Jodi having been a child of an alcoholic father whom I hated and even at one time tried to kill him when I was 13 or 14 with rat poison, by the time I was 16 something happened in me, I saw him one day for the little scared boy he was, and let go every negative thing he did up to that point, and called him on everyone from that moment on. I saw his struggles , his wins, his losses, the things he loved and in those moments I found acceptance, forgiveness and a completely new relationship with him. He died surrounded by his children, he found a new way, we forgave him and in the end he learned his lessons, was humbled by life in the end and shared the laughter and his love of poetry and history with us all . I have one sister who still holds a lot of anger towards him still & you can see it in her world, where as I have only the good memories as the forgiveness took all the ugly ones with it.
Hi June,
Thank you for sharing so honestly here. What you went through and healed from truly shows that forgiveness is possible – that love is possible through the hardest of experiences. I’m really glad that you were able to let it go and move into love again. Huge hug to you.
Thank you for always sharing from your courageous heart. I love you! The person I most need to forgive is myself. Once upon a time I was fooled into believing that I was responsible for EVERYTHING and EVERYBODY. It feels so good to let it all go. When my old patterns pop up, I begin again.
Hey sweet Shann!
I love you, too! Self forgiveness is what I’m left with as well. We both had similar childhoods where we grew up way too fast, and now we get to treat ourselves with love and compassion. And let it go (the best feeling in the world). XO
Thank you so much Jodi for this heartfelt message in your article..I totally resonate with your FORGIVENESS message and thank you for being such a courageous SOUL to share your intense experience with others..
I commend you for that my brave Soul Sister..!!
I’ve found this website that really helps to put things into perspective..Hope this COSMIC CARD will help you too for clearing and releasing the past traumas..Thank you for being YOU..!!
http://heavenletters.org/gods-cosmic-loveletters-universe.html
God’s Cosmic Loveletters from the Universe
[ Using technology and Universal flow to select a Heavenletter for you that is meant for this moment? Click the image to receive your personal inspirational Heavenletter for Now and you can do as many as you like..! ]
Hi Sune,
Thank you so much for your loving comment – that means so much! I just chose a card from the website, and it was absolutely perfect for what I needed to hear in this moment. Thank you for a great resource – I bookmarked it and plan to come back to it often.
Hugs!
Thank you for sharing your story, Jodi. Forgiveness is so difficult to do. You’ve inspired me to find ways to forgive others to find inner peace.
Hi Billie,
Reading that this post inspired you means the world to me. Thank you! Hugs!
Thank you for sharing such a personal story because it touches deeply on the concept. Finding forgiveness for a person who did something so very wrong is huge and incredible. The fact that it has helped ease some of the pain and opened your heart for better things is inspirational for those of us who have other, seemingly lesser, but still painful, things to forgive. Blessings to you!
Hi Pamela,
Oh my gosh – forgiveness is forgiveness. And pain is pain. And we’re all on this journey together – learning to move into the light and choose love over darkness. I’m so glad that this post inspired you to open up to forgiveness as well. Big hug!
What a beautiful, brave thing you’ve done putting this post into the world. Your honesty and vulnerability is inspiring. Surely every real story like this one must inspire another to forgive, and the healing just continues and multiply! Thank you xo
Hi Cindie,
Thank you so much for your sweet words! Hugs!
Thank you for being brave and sharing. Thank you love.
Hi Dominee,
Thank you so much! This one was a hard one to publish, but I’m so grateful that I did. Big hug!