My 20th high school reunion happened last weekend in my hometown of Sioux Falls, South Dakota. While I didn’t make it back to celebrate and reconnect with my former classmates and friends, it was fun to see pictures from it on Facebook.

There’s something about these benchmarks of aging that brings me to a reflective space. And it’s really gotten me looking into my past and looking at my present and seeing how they fit together.

I had such a wonderfully positive high school experience. I absolutely loved it. I feel really blessed to see it that way. For years after I graduated, I would compare my miserable present to my happy high school past, and was saddened to feel that it just never measured up. I wondered if I would ever be that happy again.

So I used to ask myself what was so great about high school? Why did I love it so much? And why couldn’t I seem to find that same joy in my post-graduation life?

I realized that, until I met my husband, high school was the last time that I felt fully alive – fully in my body – fully present – fully joyful – fully ME. I felt invincible. I felt energized. I fully immersed myself in the entire experience. I had team spirit. I lived and breathed it. I was a leader – captain of the dance team, president of the French club, winner of academic awards. I was a lover of life – I was joyful and peppy and vibrant. I said yes to living, and I felt fully ALIVE!

Shortly after graduation, my world began to shift. Painful memories of being abused as a child surfaced, and I began retreating from life. I began to shut down and withdraw. I no longer felt like I fit in, and I just wanted to be alone. My body became very sick and stayed that way for almost 20 years. I didn’t want to feel alive anymore. I just wanted to not feel anything at all. It was too hard, and I was too tired.

When I met Dan, I felt that youthful part of me wake up again – that part that wanted to feel alive again. That was almost 12 years ago, and I feel as though I’ve been coming back to life – little by little – since that moment. When I met him, I felt my heart come alive for the first time in years, and I remembered how amazing it felt to live in this space of awakeness. I realized that I no longer wanted to be a prisoner to my past – to what happened to me. I felt that it was time to let it go. And so I began doing exactly that – piece by piece, forgiveness by forgiveness. To be honest, I’m still finding my way back, but I can say that I know how completely worth it it is – how worth it I am to give myself permission to experience life fully again.

Here I am in 1993.

Through this process of waking up, I realized that this beautiful life that I am currently in – spending each day with my soulmate and living my dream of writing and inspiring – never would have happened without everything in my past happening in the exact way that it happened. It all led to to this exact moment.

If I hadn’t gone through the abuse as a child, I wouldn’t be able to empathize with others who have gone through it. I wouldn’t have been able to feel their hearts like I can. If I hadn’t taken almost 20 years to reflect and go within and heal and pull back from the world and cry and grow, then I wouldn’t have gotten in touch with my soul. I wouldn’t have anything to share with others. I wouldn’t have honored my sensitive spirit and written in my journals and really gotten to know myself. I wouldn’t have been able to open my heart and let so many others into it.

Everything – absolutely everything – happened in exactly the way it was supposed to.

I just finished reading a book about a woman who goes back to her 20th high-school reunion (good timing, right?). In this book, she takes a potion where she is able to go back in time and right all of her wrongs (she wasn’t the nicest person back in high school). But in doing so, she ended up completely throwing off the lives of everyone she touched. They were supposed to go through this pain in order to grow and push through and become who they were supposed to become. And by going back and changing things, she ended up making things worse in the long run for everyone.

I’m sure many of us have felt that yearning as some point in our life: to be able to go back and change our past. To wave a magic wand over our suffering or someone else’s. To make it all better. I know that I’ve often felt this way through my life. For years, I wished that things had gone very differently – that I hadn’t been abused, that I hadn’t been so physically ill, that I hadn’t pulled away from life.

I don’t feel that way anymore. This isn’t something that I say lightly, either. I know that I was meant to walk through this pain in order to become who I am today – right here in this moment. I know that I can give so much more of my heart to you because I have been through hell and back. I know that I have come through it, which helps others see that they can come through it, too. We are so strong and so resilient, and there is so much to learn from our pain and our setbacks. We are the beautiful souls that we are because of the good and also the not-so-good from our pasts. And if we take away even just one of the moments that got us here, it would have a ripple effect that would change it all.

If you are healing from a painful past and have spent years wishing it had worked out differently, please know that it happened for a reason. You are here for a reason. And your pulling the lessons and the love out of it and leaving behind the rest is such a beautiful and healing way to walk through it.

I know that it’s not always easy to put one foot in front of the other and leave it behind. But I also know that it’s so healing when you can.

What my positive high school experience did for me is give me evidence of happiness. When I was feeling miserable and unsure if I would ever pull myself out of the darkness, I would remember how happy I had been then. I would remember how alive I felt. And while I knew I couldn’t go back, having that evidence helped me move forward. It helped me know with 100% certainty that I could feel that way again.

And that’s what we can all do. We can pull the good from our past and forgive the bad. We can move forward toward aliveness. We can send gratitude to the past for creating exactly who we are – a beautiful soul who is walking this earth with love and grace.

Yes. That’s exactly what we can do. We all have these benchmarks that pop up – an anniversary or a reunion or a birthday. Let’s allow them to prompt us to go within and reflect. Let’s give ourselves permission to look back and see just how far we’ve come.

This was just taken of us last weekend.

When I graduated, I had no idea what was in store for me. I had no idea it would be so hard. I had no idea that I would fall down so much and struggle so much. But I also didn’t know how deeply I would love. How fully I would live. How much I would appreciate myself and others. How grateful I would be for my wonderful life one day – this day.

I was so young then, and I just had a piece of the puzzle of what life entailed. And while I still don’t have access to the entire puzzle, I love that I can see much more of how it’s being put together. It’s pretty amazing, actually. And if one piece is missing, it takes away from the whole. It’s definitely better to leave them in. At least I think so.

And I hope you do, too. Each piece is what makes you YOU. And I think that’s pretty special.

I would love for you to share this post on Facebook and Twitter. Thank you for spreading the love!

Hugs,

P.S. – Have you signed up yet? The Coming Back to Life Group Session begins in just over a week! I would love for you to join us! (It’s the last time this course will include live interaction with me and the other participants. It’s truly life-changing.) You’ll instantly receive over $140 in bonus gifts when you sign up, too! Click here to learn more!